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Take Me Back.

bismillah.

It's been a while since I've been here. I didn't feel worthy enough to write again. But I promised myself that I won't quit.
I browsed through my old facebook notes. And this is a particularly sad one, because I've been in the same circle for years, never learning my lesson.

I am hoping by posting this, I myself am reminded. So, here goes.


"Take Me Back"

28 September 2012 at 00:44


I'm walking into this room again. It's half full, but I am so alone. I can almost hear my heart thumping, as I tried so hard to hide how its beats were playing the notes I don't want people to ever hear.

Fear.

I'm scared to face you again here. The place where solace was so near, I could dream forever. I'm scared, because it has been long. I have been constantly leaving you. Giving excuses to myself, that by leaving I was actually finding myself.

Lie. A big fat lie.

The world has put a big blob of disappointment in my life these past couple of weeks. And I got tired. Tired of facing it alone. Tired of keeping the hopes, that it will all be better tomorrow. Or someday.

I guess I wasn't patient enough to wait. So I let it fall and tumble. All the time spent rebuilding myself from the debris of my early years, came crashing down like bricks from the walls. One by one, leaving a hole in it. And I became empty once more.

It took me long enough to finally realise that I wasnt looking for myself. I was running away from my own self.

And I got lost.

When I tracked my way back, I find myself.. following my footsteps.. back to this place.

Back to you.

I was too busy making excuses, when I should've gone building competence. I shouldn't have let myself drown in these mixed emotions. And I definitely shouldn't have gone off leaving you.

And so today, I'm here again. Sitting, placing my plams open up to my chest, I can feel hot tears streaming down my face.

"Allah, I'm so sorry"

Repeated, I solemnly had my forehead down on the ground. And I feel much closer. Much, much closer to you.

The pain is excruciating, as I was forcing myself to sob in silence. Where no one else would hear me, but you.


And I hear you whisper, "I'm here,"

And the pain went away.
Leaving me, and my heart void again.
Only to be filled with your love.

Your love, O' Allah.
InshaAllah.
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bismillah.
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Khemah

bismillah.

fuh. baru je menjejakkan kaki ke teratak terchenta setelah 3 bulan lebih tinggalkannya. rindu? adelah sikit *big grin.
sampai je kat ruang tamu, nampak khemah besar!

okay, khemah sebenar bukan warna biru-kuning ni. kaler merah. khemah untuk budak-budak. dan takde tingkap. -.- #yang kat atas ni gambar google je.
bestlah khemah ni. rupanya ni khemah ni milik anak sedara bujang dua orang kat rumah ni. tapi open to anyone who wants to enter. pintu khemah sentiasa terbuka *chewah. saya pun ape lagi. jenguklah ke dalam. maklumlah jakun tak pernah dapat masa kecik dulu -.- memang bestla. boleh tidur dalam tu!

tengok anak-anak buah hepi je main sama-sama. makcik yang serba-serbi malas ni pun seronoklaaaa tak payah jaga sangat diorang dah syok main tu :) heheh

khemah ni agak kukuh strukturnya. tiang support dia boleh tahanlah. kalau baaaaanyak mainan dalam khemah ni, memang takkan tumbanglah.tapi, bila semua mainan kena bawak keluar, main dengan babies yang ada dalam rumah ni (current…