Skip to main content

Take Me Back.

bismillah.

It's been a while since I've been here. I didn't feel worthy enough to write again. But I promised myself that I won't quit.
I browsed through my old facebook notes. And this is a particularly sad one, because I've been in the same circle for years, never learning my lesson.

I am hoping by posting this, I myself am reminded. So, here goes.


"Take Me Back"

28 September 2012 at 00:44


I'm walking into this room again. It's half full, but I am so alone. I can almost hear my heart thumping, as I tried so hard to hide how its beats were playing the notes I don't want people to ever hear.

Fear.

I'm scared to face you again here. The place where solace was so near, I could dream forever. I'm scared, because it has been long. I have been constantly leaving you. Giving excuses to myself, that by leaving I was actually finding myself.

Lie. A big fat lie.

The world has put a big blob of disappointment in my life these past couple of weeks. And I got tired. Tired of facing it alone. Tired of keeping the hopes, that it will all be better tomorrow. Or someday.

I guess I wasn't patient enough to wait. So I let it fall and tumble. All the time spent rebuilding myself from the debris of my early years, came crashing down like bricks from the walls. One by one, leaving a hole in it. And I became empty once more.

It took me long enough to finally realise that I wasnt looking for myself. I was running away from my own self.

And I got lost.

When I tracked my way back, I find myself.. following my footsteps.. back to this place.

Back to you.

I was too busy making excuses, when I should've gone building competence. I shouldn't have let myself drown in these mixed emotions. And I definitely shouldn't have gone off leaving you.

And so today, I'm here again. Sitting, placing my plams open up to my chest, I can feel hot tears streaming down my face.

"Allah, I'm so sorry"

Repeated, I solemnly had my forehead down on the ground. And I feel much closer. Much, much closer to you.

The pain is excruciating, as I was forcing myself to sob in silence. Where no one else would hear me, but you.


And I hear you whisper, "I'm here,"

And the pain went away.
Leaving me, and my heart void again.
Only to be filled with your love.

Your love, O' Allah.
InshaAllah.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's The End of The Race

bismillah. It's the night of 29th Ramadhan. The race is at its end. And how do I feel about it? Sad. Deeply, extremely sad. I hardly meet Ramadhan. Once a year. And for many years, I spent the days Ramadhan was here by just letting it pass by. This is one of the years where I truly devote myself in meeting Ramadhan, yet I feel it didn't change me. I didn't change. My fingers are literally trembling of the fact that.. I might not even see Ramadhan again. I am so overwhelmed. My heart is almost bursting of sadness. I might finish this race, but I don't know if I'm winning. And for the times I tried, well, He's the Only One to judge me. And I pray that this month has made me stronger within. Probably. Maybe. InshaAllah This is my last night with Ramadhan insyaAllah. I hope this possibly last date will last a lifetime. Cause I don't know if I have that long. I might not even see tomorrow. Or even finish my date tonigh
Post a Comment
Read more

Happy Birthday To Me! Is it?

Bismillah. 20 April 2012 Hari ni ada BBQ Muslimah kat Masjid BBST. Seronok. Hari ni, body dan roh dapat makanan masing-masing alhamdulillah. :) Malam kami makan tu, makan ramai-ramai dalam dulang. Best woo! Tiba-tiba, sorang akak ni seru, "Attention! Akak nak panggil dua orang ni, sebab dorang ada buat salah dengan akak," then nama mereka pun disebut. Tipikal. Biasa waktu program-program macam ni, kalau ada yang cakap macam tu mesti nak sambut befday. Semua orang bergembira, happy, bergelak ketawa. Buat sesiapa yang tak dapat rasa ke-best-an makan dalam dulang ni, sila rasainya sendiri ya :) Tiba-tiba, tengah akak-akak yang 'bersalah' tu dipanggil ke depan, sorang buah hati saya jerit dari depan (saya makan kat belakang) Dia (1) : Azneen! Azneen! Cepat pergi depan ni! Saya : Hah? Buat ape? Dia (1) : Eleh, buat-buat tak tahu pulak. (sengih lebar) Saya pun buat-buat tak tahu, dan terus nyanyi. (wah, nyanyi kat masjid tu. tak senonoh betu
2 comments
Read more

Maafkan Aku, Sahabat Setia

bismillah. sepanjang hari semua rasa tak kena. hati bergetar hebat, tahan macam-macam perasaan yang beribut dalam dada. tenang! tenang please! hati merintih tapi tiada apa yang terkesan. menangis. petang, banyak sangat yang mengganggu. baru sahaja kelmarin aku luahkan beban dalam jiwa. ringan sedikit.  mungkin. tapi hari ni, ahh~ bagai ombak menghempas pantai. menderu hebat membelah tepian. dan aku kembali terluka. sesal menebal dalam diri. menangis lagi. entah ke berapa kali. puas melukis senyuman di wajah yang sudah pun basah dengan air mata. tapi mata tak bisa tipu. perit itu terbias juga. dan air mata berjurai lagi. menyesal. dan aku putuskan semuanya dengan manusia lain. putuskan urat simpati yang aku ikat dari untaian kata-kata dari bibirku. air mata terus jatuh. musnahlah kepercayaan. 'it didn't work. telling didn't work. i don't feel better. this has to stop.' ceritera aku kembali aku simpan dalam peti rahsia. rah
Post a Comment
Read more