It's been a while since I've been here. I didn't feel worthy enough to write again. But I promised myself that I won't quit.
I browsed through my old facebook notes. And this is a particularly sad one, because I've been in the same circle for years, never learning my lesson.
I am hoping by posting this, I myself am reminded. So, here goes.
"Take Me Back"
28 September 2012 at 00:44
I'm walking into this room again. It's half full, but I am so alone. I can almost hear my heart thumping, as I tried so hard to hide how its beats were playing the notes I don't want people to ever hear.
I'm scared to face you again here. The place where solace was so near, I could dream forever. I'm scared, because it has been long. I have been constantly leaving you. Giving excuses to myself, that by leaving I was actually finding myself.
Lie. A big fat lie.
The world has put a big blob of disappointment in my life these past couple of weeks. And I got tired. Tired of facing it alone. Tired of keeping the hopes, that it will all be better tomorrow. Or someday.
I guess I wasn't patient enough to wait. So I let it fall and tumble. All the time spent rebuilding myself from the debris of my early years, came crashing down like bricks from the walls. One by one, leaving a hole in it. And I became empty once more.
It took me long enough to finally realise that I wasnt looking for myself. I was running away from my own self.
And I got lost.
When I tracked my way back, I find myself.. following my footsteps.. back to this place.
Back to you.
I was too busy making excuses, when I should've gone building competence. I shouldn't have let myself drown in these mixed emotions. And I definitely shouldn't have gone off leaving you.
And so today, I'm here again. Sitting, placing my plams open up to my chest, I can feel hot tears streaming down my face.
"Allah, I'm so sorry"
Repeated, I solemnly had my forehead down on the ground. And I feel much closer. Much, much closer to you.
The pain is excruciating, as I was forcing myself to sob in silence. Where no one else would hear me, but you.
And I hear you whisper, "I'm here,"
And the pain went away.
Leaving me, and my heart void again.
Only to be filled with your love.
Your love, O' Allah.