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Sweet Surprise


So last Thursday, I was in class. And then I got a text, a Whatsapp message to be exact, from my sister in India. My dear lecturer back in college was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

It was 10.00 am. My first class of the day had just started. There I was, in the middle of the class, in between classmates, trembling... holding up my tears... I lost my focus and everything that my lecturer said , taught and did in front of the class, was gone like the wind. Even the events of the force-me-to-eat-tomato that traumatized some of my classmates was nearly forgotten.

I was lost.
I couldn't deal with it.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me.

Okay, that got out wrong.

No close relative of mine has ever been admitted to the hospital for days and then diagnosed with a possible terminal illness.

I was shocked.
I have no clue as of what to do, how to react, and so I did what I do best under these circumstances.

Shut down.

I know, I shouldn't make it about me. I was supposed to be strong, because my lecturer wouldn't want me to feel sorry. I was told so when my lecturer told me of what went wrong a few weeks back.

But, heck yeah, I made it about me anyways.

I even lost myself in my maths test that very same day.

I was silent the whole day, and I was fortunate enough to have friends who tried to cheer me up.

Everything was temporary.
And that fact never hit me so near to home.

I tried everything to be strong in case I decided to come and visit, but to no avail.

But then last weekend, I did some long pondering. And I found it.

That glimmer of hope.
I finally reconnected with Allah. After being detached for some time, wallahi, alhamdulillah I finally found a way back.

And I felt stronger. And I kinda felt the strength my lecturer had when the news got out.
A new breeze.

I will make a call, and maybe a visit to my lecturer.
I wanna be there alongside my lecturer's struggles and tests.
I want to.

Everything seemed clearer, and a silver lining will come along, I'm sure of it.
Allah never breaks any of His promises.
Allah never lets us down.

Today, in class, my lecturer (another subject) came up with a question.
What do you believe in?
 I can't, for the love of Allah, remember what the previous discussion was about.

And my lecturer asked that question to a guy sitting in front of me.
He is from China.

And I can almost swear I heard him say, "Allah".
It sounded a bit weird in his accent, but I can almost hear it.

I smiled all through class (except the part where I slept, a bit) because I thought he really said it. And I make up this whole scenario where I confronted him for the truth, whether or not he really said it.

[I have a thing for guys who openly admit they love Allah. Because living in an international university, I can never decide who's who. If I can't even tell whether a girl is a Muslim or not, let alone a guy. So, yeah] Opps.

Everything is starting to stand a little firmer.
A little taller.
A little wiser.

Allah will guide you to a sea of His love. And before you reach the beach,

NEVER stop walking.

this is a dedication for my dear lecturer. hoping that this reach my lecturer's eyes, though not beautiful. thought that i'd share how i felt, in my own words, my own ways.

In case it does, my lecturer, I want you to know, I love you. And you will be in my prayers. Forever. No matter how, or when, this road ends.
In His arms.

[I remember now. The discussion we had. My lecturer posed a question, "Which do you believe? Creation, or evolution? *insert conversation with chinese guy here*]

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fuh. baru je menjejakkan kaki ke teratak terchenta setelah 3 bulan lebih tinggalkannya. rindu? adelah sikit *big grin.
sampai je kat ruang tamu, nampak khemah besar!

okay, khemah sebenar bukan warna biru-kuning ni. kaler merah. khemah untuk budak-budak. dan takde tingkap. -.- #yang kat atas ni gambar google je.
bestlah khemah ni. rupanya ni khemah ni milik anak sedara bujang dua orang kat rumah ni. tapi open to anyone who wants to enter. pintu khemah sentiasa terbuka *chewah. saya pun ape lagi. jenguklah ke dalam. maklumlah jakun tak pernah dapat masa kecik dulu -.- memang bestla. boleh tidur dalam tu!

tengok anak-anak buah hepi je main sama-sama. makcik yang serba-serbi malas ni pun seronoklaaaa tak payah jaga sangat diorang dah syok main tu :) heheh

khemah ni agak kukuh strukturnya. tiang support dia boleh tahanlah. kalau baaaaanyak mainan dalam khemah ni, memang takkan tumbanglah.tapi, bila semua mainan kena bawak keluar, main dengan babies yang ada dalam rumah ni (current…

Take Me Back.

It's been a while since I've been here. I didn't feel worthy enough to write again. But I promised myself that I won't quit. I browsed through my old facebook notes. And this is a particularly sad one, because I've been in the same circle for years, never learning my lesson.
I am hoping by posting this, I myself am reminded. So, here goes.

"Take Me Back"
28 September 2012 at 00:44

I'm walking into this room again. It's half full, but I am so alone. I can almost hear my heart thumping, as I tried so hard to hide how its beats were playing the notes I don't want people to ever hear.
I'm scared to face you again here. The place where solace was so near, I could dream forever. I'm scared, because it has been long. I have been constantly leaving you. Giving excuses to myself, that by leaving I was actually finding myself.
Lie. A big fat lie.
The world has put a big blob of disappointment in my life these past couple of week…