Skip to main content

Rejectophobia

bismillah.

Okay, so the title is bogus. But I needed one. And that came to mind.

Back to what's on my mind.

I grew up to the notion that I was never good enough for things, because there was always this pair of eyes following my moves. A pair of condescending eyes..

Anyways, it lead me to feel very inferior about the ripples of my actions. Whether or not my decisions would lead me to approval.

It led me to be afraid. Very afraid, of rejection.


Because I couldn't take it, facing the same vicious cycle over and over again.
To disappoint the owner of those eyes for every step I take.

But as I grow up, I realized that, I can't keep living in the shadow.

I was, and am, privileged enough to be poured with rains of blessings from the One I love. Alhamdulillah. And with everything I had gotten these past two decades, I believe that fearing about how people perceive me is not how He wanted me to be living the short lit candle He provided.

So, I was given tests these few months back. Because there was this principle I learned in college.
Allah shall test our weaknesses to our boundaries until we succeeded to overcome it
I was all geared up back in February to apply for colleges in country A. But the officers told me my grades weren't good enough to get me there.
To allow me to be a doctor.
That February was when the policies changed, and everything went downhill from there.

It took me forever to change my plans, as a change of heart is far heavier burden to bear than a change of clothes. (duh~) Well, at least, for me.

I fell down. And became shattered.
I was a wreck.
And led me to fear of facing my dearly beloved friends, and sisters. For months.
Fear that they would reject my flaws.

Last week, after months of trying, I got a few letters. Offer letters to enroll in university in country B. This was a plan I did on my own, without taking account of what my superiors might say.
I took a gamble.
And after offering my proposal to them, I got rejected. Again.

So, yeah, I guess in a way that I got a bite off my butt for being too bold and stupid.

But I got through with it, and alhamdulillah, a better plan is starting to shine in front of the dark tunnel I'm walking through.

I think I ended up well, through all those so-called disappointments.
Those would be my memorabilia I would look proudly upon contemplating in the future. Hopefully.

Getting knocked down is a norm. Getting back up is an option.

So, it's really YOUR choice.

Rejections is one of the things that I can rely on now for words of truth.
So, to my loved One, I thank You for all these tests.
  • I wanted to write my experience, but I didn't really have a clear way on how to end the post. I do hope it gets to point.
  • This had been a long overdue post. To those who waited, rest assured, that your patience, visits and comments are what drives me to be better. Anonymous or not, you are in my prayers.

Love.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's The End of The Race

bismillah. It's the night of 29th Ramadhan. The race is at its end. And how do I feel about it? Sad. Deeply, extremely sad. I hardly meet Ramadhan. Once a year. And for many years, I spent the days Ramadhan was here by just letting it pass by. This is one of the years where I truly devote myself in meeting Ramadhan, yet I feel it didn't change me. I didn't change. My fingers are literally trembling of the fact that.. I might not even see Ramadhan again. I am so overwhelmed. My heart is almost bursting of sadness. I might finish this race, but I don't know if I'm winning. And for the times I tried, well, He's the Only One to judge me. And I pray that this month has made me stronger within. Probably. Maybe. InshaAllah This is my last night with Ramadhan insyaAllah. I hope this possibly last date will last a lifetime. Cause I don't know if I have that long. I might not even see tomorrow. Or even finish my date tonigh
Post a Comment
Read more

Happy Birthday To Me! Is it?

Bismillah. 20 April 2012 Hari ni ada BBQ Muslimah kat Masjid BBST. Seronok. Hari ni, body dan roh dapat makanan masing-masing alhamdulillah. :) Malam kami makan tu, makan ramai-ramai dalam dulang. Best woo! Tiba-tiba, sorang akak ni seru, "Attention! Akak nak panggil dua orang ni, sebab dorang ada buat salah dengan akak," then nama mereka pun disebut. Tipikal. Biasa waktu program-program macam ni, kalau ada yang cakap macam tu mesti nak sambut befday. Semua orang bergembira, happy, bergelak ketawa. Buat sesiapa yang tak dapat rasa ke-best-an makan dalam dulang ni, sila rasainya sendiri ya :) Tiba-tiba, tengah akak-akak yang 'bersalah' tu dipanggil ke depan, sorang buah hati saya jerit dari depan (saya makan kat belakang) Dia (1) : Azneen! Azneen! Cepat pergi depan ni! Saya : Hah? Buat ape? Dia (1) : Eleh, buat-buat tak tahu pulak. (sengih lebar) Saya pun buat-buat tak tahu, dan terus nyanyi. (wah, nyanyi kat masjid tu. tak senonoh betu
2 comments
Read more

Rama-rama

Hari tu ada kuliah kat lecture hall. Agak jauh sikit dari apartmen. (apelah sangat jauhnya kalau dok KTT tu? :D ) Tengah sibuk tunggu lecturer, dan tunggu student dalam lecture hall tu keluar, saya dan kawan-kawan berboraklah kat luar. Tiba-tiba ada seekor rama-rama terbang dekat. Orang kata, it's impossible to catch a butterfly empty handed. Saya tau tu, tapi hari tu saje nak test. Saya pun sibuklah kejar rama-rama tu dengan berbaju kurungnya. Dia terbang kiri, saya kejar ke kiri. Dia terbang kanan, saya pun ikut. Nampak macam orang bodoh je. Ada saya kisah? Bila dah penat, saya pun duduk je lah. Sampai mengah-mengah haa~ Alih-alih semua orang dah give up, (okay, saya sorang je) dia sedap je dok bertenggek kat pokok bunga kat depan kitorang. Sebenarnya saya nak uji hakikat wanita yang dikaitkan dengan rama-rama ni. Saya selalu dengar, wanita solehah itu ibarat rama-rama. indah dilihat tapi sukar digapai  and yes, saya dah nampak perkaitannya. Betapa saya terpegun
Post a Comment
Read more