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hold on to Him

sometimes when we closes a door, a window opens
i stopped and ponder these past few days.. i know im not supposed to regret any decision or action i make, no matter how it might change my life. the examination results are coming up, and without a doubt i AM nervous! to the fact that i tried my best to give all out, i still think it wasnt enough. as i think of the possibilities, tears came rolling down my cheeks. how nerve-wrecked i was.. though i know i wasnt supposed to feel so. i sat at the corner of my room, on the midnight of 2nd February, and the chilly night didnt even help get rid of these thoughts. how i seek for serenity in that dark, cold night. i walked to the window, hoping that the bright moon would soothe me. but to the sight of the moonless sky, i once again felt hopeless. i crawled into my bedsheets, and wiped off my tears.


i stared around my room, and an isolated corner on the right of my room seems different. it was as if i havent step on that corner for quite some time. i sat back up and walked to the dark corner. a study table full of books, some were opened. i reached for the study lamp and turned it on. to my surprise, i saw my old notebooks, and a book i used to read everyday.. the Quran. oh, how i felt so small, and ashamed of myself. how i have left my own religion these past few months, and i felt so guilty. at first i thought, who read all these? i certainly didnt open all these books tonight. then i felt an urge to sit down. i pulled the purple Quran closer to me. i stared hard, it was opened to surah ar-Rahman, the surah i always read during my times of sorrows and sadness. ayyat 36, and consecutively the ayyats after that,

     ~ fabiayyi aala irabbikuma tukazziban ~
then it hit me-i've forgotten ALLAH!

i cried hard next to my Quran. sobs and tears were unstoppable. the guilt of leaving my religion behind and enjoying after school life by loitering came crashing to my heart. oh Allah, forgive me for forgetting You in my time of good. i wiped my tears i shed for hours, and walked to the washroom. i washed my face, and looked hard on myself. what a fool! how could i forget You? im sorry, Allah..

with the uttering of His name, i washed my face, my arms, my head, my ears and my feet. how i have misused them! i walked into my room, and that night was the night i really cried to Him.. how i was overwhelmed by satan to always enjoying life without Him.. and what a fool i made out of myself. that night, i slept in tears, on my sejadah holding my Quran close to my chest. and the moment i woke up, i felt like a new person. and that night was the night i would never forget. the night that changed my heart, my beliefs, myself..

thank You Allah for being there in my time of needs. i promised myself that i would never forget You again, and that's a promise i intend to keep forever, inshaAllah. and now i lead my life, as calm as the soothing night wind and as peaceful as the recitation of Your words. i was lost, and there You picked me up and guided me. thank You.. thank You... thank You <3

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