bismillah.
I sat alone in this strange room, feeling empty. I spent a couple of prayers before trying to cry, but I still couldn't.
My heart is stoned.
So, I stepped outside in the sun, walking alone. I was hesitant at first, because I don't know if I can do it. For a few years now I have been accustomed to wearing larger clothes. But I outgrew most of my clothes, they shrunk. What I had currently on is a green used-to-be over-sized long sleeved tee, with brown pants which I shouldn't wear anymore.
I put on my shoes, no socks, and kept walking.
I was testing myself on a thought I had in mind.
Did I lose my heart?
Five steps out, I almost cried. I looked down, and convinced myself, "I shouldn't go out like this!"
I felt, stripped down.
I felt like I was naked.
But I kept on walking.
The fact that I feel so naked made me so grateful.
I still have my heart.
Alhamdulillah.
I long have left the routine I used to do when I first found my way back to Allah. Try and try, but it comes harder facing it alone.
But I'm managing.
The fact that I was embarrassed on the way I look before, is a sign that I still have a level of imaan.
See, shy and imaan, are very much related.
By increase of faith in Allah, you become more ashamed of doing things that is a no-no in Allah's eyes.
The stronger the faith, the greater for feeling of shy.
Shy and ashamed to keep making sins.
Shy and ashamed to keep turning your head away from Him.
I resent having to feel so naked.
Never again.
But glad to have gone through it.
Allahu.
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