Penat.

bismillah.

tadi baru terbaca note 'pendek' yang sister saya hadiahkan kat desktop saya beberapa bulan lepas. dah lama jugak saya hidekan note tu. sebak setiap kali baca.

sister saya pesan dalam note tu..

awak,untuk kite terus tsabat ats jalan nie, kite kne ade satu matlamat yg mampu menguatkn kite kalau satu hari nnt kite tak kuat..awak,kalau ada mslh,share la..jgn simpan sorg2 sbb apa gune Allah kurniakn kite akhwat..kite bukannye setakat buat kerja sama2 tapi semua benda sama2 termasuk lah maslah study ke apa ke...takkn lah kite share psl dkwah je..padahal dkwh tu kn kehidupan...awk kne ade trust pada anak2 buah awk klu awk nk diorg thiqah ngn awk..

em, masa dia bagi saya note ni, saya dan buah hati sedang berprogram. dia dari jauh datang untuk jenguk kami buat kerja. *so shweet

well, thing about THIS particular part of the note is that she insisted that I open up to my buah hati. I have no problem about that at all. I thought, yeah I can do that. If that helps to correct what I did wrong, then I am more than willing to do so.

And so I did. Or, I thought I did.

Then, dia sambung lagi note dia..

maaf sgt2 awk..saya sayang kat awak..saya tak suka tgok awk sedih..dan sebagai masulah mmg lah byk bende awk kne fikir..first thing first..hubungn ngn Allah kene jage..mcm awk kate td..hehehee..

Masa mula-mula 'jumpa' note ni kat desktop saya, saya baca sorang. And berjurai air mata. Sebak. Because it felt like, I was dictating my buah hati. We were torn apart, far..because I was chosen to somehow be a so-called leader. I refused it the day it happened, because I know deep down, I am having problem leading. I am not just. I am a pure dictator. Heartless.

But, being in the path of tarbiyyah, I believe He pushed them to make that very decision for a reason. I grew a heart as I fell in love again with Him, so it should be used in His path. And I took the post, to lead. Even though I am doubting myself that I will do any work at all.

And it happened.

I didn't do anything.

At all.

It looked like I did. But I didn't.

Dan saya rasa, sikap tidak berhati [baca:heartless] saya tulah yang dah pisahkan saya dan buah hati saya.

Maka, selepas mengelap air mata yang tak berhenti-henti jatuh, saya berazam. I won't be that way anymore.

You see, I was a person who doesn't have a lot to say about myself. (well, that's a paradox compared to what I am writing about MYself)

Anyways, I tried sharing time, and laughter, you know, shake things up, open up a bit. And for a while it worked. Alhamdulillah. [until recent events that is]

Dulu, masa membesar, saya pendam everything to myself. Because I basically have no one to talk about my feelings with. The kind of 'sufferer in silence' as Bella Swan would say.

Then, tarbiyyah came along. And the note came along. I tried open up a piece of myself so that I don't get caught up in my own emotions, drowning.

But things go wrong again because I opened my mouth. Haa..yang ini ada kaitan dengan note tu bahagian kedua.

HUBUNGAN DENGAN ALLAH

Sebenarnya, selama ni, bila orang tegur perangai saya, saya akan ubah sikap tu. Saya ada attitude yang sangat buruk. Teruk. Maka, I thought a change is best.

But what I did was fitting myself in others' mould. And I lost a bit of myself along the way. And when people say,

just be yourself

saya kaku. Because I no longer know who I am. This piece of me was from this person, this was from that person etc. One thing I believe in is only that I belong to Allah, and I am His servant. That part I am very sure of. But about my own self.

Blank.

Truthfully, I am panting. Penat bila cuba untuk puaskan hati manusia.

Sebenarnya bila kita bercinta dengan Allah ni, kita turut mengimani alQuran. Dan alQuran dah ada guideline paling lengkap macam mana nak lead your life. Ikut sunnah Allah, bukan telunjuk manusia.

Bila iman saya tunggang terbalik, mutabaah entah pape, hubungan dengan Allah tak mantaplah. Dan kita makin penat, sebab cuba kejar benda yang selain Allah.

dakwah adalah kehidupan..jangan sekularkan..

Yeah, cause I've been separating da'wa like it's a job. But truthfully, it's a way of how I lead my life. By doing da'wa, I am leading myself towards His blessings, INSHAALLAH!

Buat masa ni, saya sedang kepenatan sedikit. Tapi, saya dah tak mahu berubah kerana manusia. KERANA IA SANGAT, SANGAT MEMENATKAN!

Saya nak cari Allah je. Kalau orang tegur perangai buruk saya lagi, itu silap saya. Saya belum cukup beriman dengan apa yang Allah dah beritahu.

Change the attitude. Not the heart.

Yosh!

• sekali lagi, tak tahu macam mana nak end this post. afwan.