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I am Lost

bismillah.

Wow! It's almost two months I've been in the holiday mode. And so far, I have been doing nothing. I haven't worked (well, not a REAL job that is), I haven't finish my hafazan, I haven't finish reading my books. Absolutely a non-satisfying holiday.

I know, I am to blame. Just say it.

I've been having a condition where I am unable to implement what I wanna do at the time and place I want. Well, some call it excuse. Some may call it laziness. To be honest, I have to agree. I'm at the point where I am too sensitive of things. I can't be scolded. I can't be taunted. I can't be laughed at. (wait, I ALWAYS experience this!) To tell ya the truth, I am sick of myself. Sick of not doing anything.

I tried to change, but all was the same.

This reminded me of a time, when I was still in college. One day, as I was going to class and passed my friends' apartment, she said to me (out loud)

Eh, muka kau berseri-seri la!
"Your face is so radiant!"

I ignored, eventually, because being praised is not how I was born to be. ESPECIALLY, to those kinds of words. I thought, 'girl, don't play with me!' cause I have confidence issues. Yes, that is why I am hiding here with my fake name.

But then, a few hours later, another friend said

Wah, cerianya muka kau!
"You look so happy!"

I said, 'yeah, right,'
But it made me think. It's not possible for people to suddenly say things like these to me. So I went to a friend and asked her, "Is there something on my face? Sparkles or anything?"

And you know what she told me?

Takde ape pun. Tapi muka kau nampak lain la. Bahagia.
"Nothing. But, your face is different. Happy."

This is hilarious. It's maybe the clothes I'm wearing. I'm wearing my good clothe today. Pink. Yup, that's it. I'm sure.

But then, this continued for a few days, then turned weeks.

In those first few days, I was looking at myself, finding which part of me is making me look different?

And I found it. 


It was my heart.
Those were the times when I was madly, deeply in love with Allah.

I mean, MADLY!

Nothing was to break me. I have no troubles in mind, nothing upsetting. It was a smooth ride. And right then, I believed the saying that true beauty comes from within. Those were the times, where my face never went weary of smiling. Ever.

And I was glad people pointed at my change. It made me realise that,
I'm in LOVE
I almost burst the words out. I wanna tell everyone that I'm in love, and nothing can hold me back. I really do. But I didn't.

And then one day, it stopped. Since the day I hurt my dear sister. I said something I shouldn't. And my heart broke into pieces.

I am now alone.
Now, I can no longer smile. I mean, a REAL smile, from my heart.
I don't manage myself well.

I'm hurt.
I'm lost.

But, supposedly I shouldn't. Because I am losing my own grip from Him. He's here, but I'm not holding Him tightly as I was.

Believing in Him is important. But not losing hope is important too. Just because my heart is broken, doesn't mean it can't be mended.

A change is a must when nothing seemed to work. Maybe I should go out, meet people. Maybe I should do more, than just write and whine. Maybe I should start putting my whole reliance in Him, than in people.

Maybe.






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