Skip to main content

I am Lost

bismillah.

Wow! It's almost two months I've been in the holiday mode. And so far, I have been doing nothing. I haven't worked (well, not a REAL job that is), I haven't finish my hafazan, I haven't finish reading my books. Absolutely a non-satisfying holiday.

I know, I am to blame. Just say it.

I've been having a condition where I am unable to implement what I wanna do at the time and place I want. Well, some call it excuse. Some may call it laziness. To be honest, I have to agree. I'm at the point where I am too sensitive of things. I can't be scolded. I can't be taunted. I can't be laughed at. (wait, I ALWAYS experience this!) To tell ya the truth, I am sick of myself. Sick of not doing anything.

I tried to change, but all was the same.

This reminded me of a time, when I was still in college. One day, as I was going to class and passed my friends' apartment, she said to me (out loud)

Eh, muka kau berseri-seri la!
"Your face is so radiant!"

I ignored, eventually, because being praised is not how I was born to be. ESPECIALLY, to those kinds of words. I thought, 'girl, don't play with me!' cause I have confidence issues. Yes, that is why I am hiding here with my fake name.

But then, a few hours later, another friend said

Wah, cerianya muka kau!
"You look so happy!"

I said, 'yeah, right,'
But it made me think. It's not possible for people to suddenly say things like these to me. So I went to a friend and asked her, "Is there something on my face? Sparkles or anything?"

And you know what she told me?

Takde ape pun. Tapi muka kau nampak lain la. Bahagia.
"Nothing. But, your face is different. Happy."

This is hilarious. It's maybe the clothes I'm wearing. I'm wearing my good clothe today. Pink. Yup, that's it. I'm sure.

But then, this continued for a few days, then turned weeks.

In those first few days, I was looking at myself, finding which part of me is making me look different?

And I found it. 


It was my heart.
Those were the times when I was madly, deeply in love with Allah.

I mean, MADLY!

Nothing was to break me. I have no troubles in mind, nothing upsetting. It was a smooth ride. And right then, I believed the saying that true beauty comes from within. Those were the times, where my face never went weary of smiling. Ever.

And I was glad people pointed at my change. It made me realise that,
I'm in LOVE
I almost burst the words out. I wanna tell everyone that I'm in love, and nothing can hold me back. I really do. But I didn't.

And then one day, it stopped. Since the day I hurt my dear sister. I said something I shouldn't. And my heart broke into pieces.

I am now alone.
Now, I can no longer smile. I mean, a REAL smile, from my heart.
I don't manage myself well.

I'm hurt.
I'm lost.

But, supposedly I shouldn't. Because I am losing my own grip from Him. He's here, but I'm not holding Him tightly as I was.

Believing in Him is important. But not losing hope is important too. Just because my heart is broken, doesn't mean it can't be mended.

A change is a must when nothing seemed to work. Maybe I should go out, meet people. Maybe I should do more, than just write and whine. Maybe I should start putting my whole reliance in Him, than in people.

Maybe.






Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's The End of The Race

bismillah. It's the night of 29th Ramadhan. The race is at its end. And how do I feel about it? Sad. Deeply, extremely sad. I hardly meet Ramadhan. Once a year. And for many years, I spent the days Ramadhan was here by just letting it pass by. This is one of the years where I truly devote myself in meeting Ramadhan, yet I feel it didn't change me. I didn't change. My fingers are literally trembling of the fact that.. I might not even see Ramadhan again. I am so overwhelmed. My heart is almost bursting of sadness. I might finish this race, but I don't know if I'm winning. And for the times I tried, well, He's the Only One to judge me. And I pray that this month has made me stronger within. Probably. Maybe. InshaAllah This is my last night with Ramadhan insyaAllah. I hope this possibly last date will last a lifetime. Cause I don't know if I have that long. I might not even see tomorrow. Or even finish my date tonigh
Post a Comment
Read more

Happy Birthday To Me! Is it?

Bismillah. 20 April 2012 Hari ni ada BBQ Muslimah kat Masjid BBST. Seronok. Hari ni, body dan roh dapat makanan masing-masing alhamdulillah. :) Malam kami makan tu, makan ramai-ramai dalam dulang. Best woo! Tiba-tiba, sorang akak ni seru, "Attention! Akak nak panggil dua orang ni, sebab dorang ada buat salah dengan akak," then nama mereka pun disebut. Tipikal. Biasa waktu program-program macam ni, kalau ada yang cakap macam tu mesti nak sambut befday. Semua orang bergembira, happy, bergelak ketawa. Buat sesiapa yang tak dapat rasa ke-best-an makan dalam dulang ni, sila rasainya sendiri ya :) Tiba-tiba, tengah akak-akak yang 'bersalah' tu dipanggil ke depan, sorang buah hati saya jerit dari depan (saya makan kat belakang) Dia (1) : Azneen! Azneen! Cepat pergi depan ni! Saya : Hah? Buat ape? Dia (1) : Eleh, buat-buat tak tahu pulak. (sengih lebar) Saya pun buat-buat tak tahu, dan terus nyanyi. (wah, nyanyi kat masjid tu. tak senonoh betu
2 comments
Read more

The Results are OUT!

bismillah. It's a wonderful day. Today is the day I get my A-Level results. Yippie!   It is however, due to my psychicness, that I won't carve a smile on my parents face. Had that feeling in my gut since July. It's a feeling of, discomfort. And nothing can shake it off. I'd like to say a lot here. About what happened to me since that particular July. But I'd end up whining things I shouldn't. Better save it for someone better to listen to. And to not-my-surprise, my results were under par. And I am not sad. At all. Well, maybe a little, but no mental breakdown whatsoever. This, however, never happened to me. I never went into an exam, and NOT pass. Never. Not the UPSR. Not PMR. Not SPM. *not trying to boast here* And this is the first. And I gotta tell ya. It doesn't hurt so bad. I've seen many of my friends went nuts and cry a lot after their results didn't come out as good as others. And I didn't know what to do, th
4 comments
Read more