Skip to main content

I am Lost

bismillah.

Wow! It's almost two months I've been in the holiday mode. And so far, I have been doing nothing. I haven't worked (well, not a REAL job that is), I haven't finish my hafazan, I haven't finish reading my books. Absolutely a non-satisfying holiday.

I know, I am to blame. Just say it.

I've been having a condition where I am unable to implement what I wanna do at the time and place I want. Well, some call it excuse. Some may call it laziness. To be honest, I have to agree. I'm at the point where I am too sensitive of things. I can't be scolded. I can't be taunted. I can't be laughed at. (wait, I ALWAYS experience this!) To tell ya the truth, I am sick of myself. Sick of not doing anything.

I tried to change, but all was the same.

This reminded me of a time, when I was still in college. One day, as I was going to class and passed my friends' apartment, she said to me (out loud)

Eh, muka kau berseri-seri la!
"Your face is so radiant!"

I ignored, eventually, because being praised is not how I was born to be. ESPECIALLY, to those kinds of words. I thought, 'girl, don't play with me!' cause I have confidence issues. Yes, that is why I am hiding here with my fake name.

But then, a few hours later, another friend said

Wah, cerianya muka kau!
"You look so happy!"

I said, 'yeah, right,'
But it made me think. It's not possible for people to suddenly say things like these to me. So I went to a friend and asked her, "Is there something on my face? Sparkles or anything?"

And you know what she told me?

Takde ape pun. Tapi muka kau nampak lain la. Bahagia.
"Nothing. But, your face is different. Happy."

This is hilarious. It's maybe the clothes I'm wearing. I'm wearing my good clothe today. Pink. Yup, that's it. I'm sure.

But then, this continued for a few days, then turned weeks.

In those first few days, I was looking at myself, finding which part of me is making me look different?

And I found it. 


It was my heart.
Those were the times when I was madly, deeply in love with Allah.

I mean, MADLY!

Nothing was to break me. I have no troubles in mind, nothing upsetting. It was a smooth ride. And right then, I believed the saying that true beauty comes from within. Those were the times, where my face never went weary of smiling. Ever.

And I was glad people pointed at my change. It made me realise that,
I'm in LOVE
I almost burst the words out. I wanna tell everyone that I'm in love, and nothing can hold me back. I really do. But I didn't.

And then one day, it stopped. Since the day I hurt my dear sister. I said something I shouldn't. And my heart broke into pieces.

I am now alone.
Now, I can no longer smile. I mean, a REAL smile, from my heart.
I don't manage myself well.

I'm hurt.
I'm lost.

But, supposedly I shouldn't. Because I am losing my own grip from Him. He's here, but I'm not holding Him tightly as I was.

Believing in Him is important. But not losing hope is important too. Just because my heart is broken, doesn't mean it can't be mended.

A change is a must when nothing seemed to work. Maybe I should go out, meet people. Maybe I should do more, than just write and whine. Maybe I should start putting my whole reliance in Him, than in people.

Maybe.






Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Results are OUT!

bismillah. It's a wonderful day. Today is the day I get my A-Level results. Yippie!   It is however, due to my psychicness, that I won't carve a smile on my parents face. Had that feeling in my gut since July. It's a feeling of, discomfort. And nothing can shake it off. I'd like to say a lot here. About what happened to me since that particular July. But I'd end up whining things I shouldn't. Better save it for someone better to listen to. And to not-my-surprise, my results were under par. And I am not sad. At all. Well, maybe a little, but no mental breakdown whatsoever. This, however, never happened to me. I never went into an exam, and NOT pass. Never. Not the UPSR. Not PMR. Not SPM. *not trying to boast here* And this is the first. And I gotta tell ya. It doesn't hurt so bad. I've seen many of my friends went nuts and cry a lot after their results didn't come out as good as others. And I didn't know what to do, th
4 comments
Read more

Something Worth Promoting

bismillah. Hello! Hello! Buat adik-adik lepasan SPM 2011, adik-adik daftar ke mana lepas ni? Ni haa~ akak nak promote ni. Once in a lifetime chance. I want to promote to you.. KOLEJ TEKNOLOGI TIMUR! Well, people say we can't judge a book by its cover kan? So, akak tak maulah tayang wajah sebenar KTT Sepang ni. *hehe Kolej ni adalah antara kolej terkecil kat Malaysia. (kot) everything is in two blocks of shop houses. Can you imagine that? All the halls and libraries and musolla and the cafes and the staffrooms. Even our houses! One thing that awes me the most when I first came here is the way everything was planned to work. It's hard to imagine the way they first planned to place this and that in that small area. But it totally worked out! AWESOMEEE! A lot is going on while you're in KTT. We have activities like normal colleges do, but in a smaller scale (i guess) Yeah, it's easy to live here. You can't easily fly anywhere without a tra
2 comments
Read more

Take Me Back.

bismillah. It's been a while since I've been here. I didn't feel worthy enough to write again. But I promised myself that I won't quit. I browsed through my old facebook notes. And this is a particularly sad one, because I've been in the same circle for years, never learning my lesson. I am hoping by posting this, I myself am reminded. So, here goes. " Take Me Back " 28 September 2012 at 00:44 I'm walking into this room again. It's half full, but I am so alone. I can almost hear my heart thumping, as I tried so hard to hide how its beats were playing the notes I don't want people to ever hear. Fear. I'm scared to face you again here. The place where solace was so near, I could dream forever. I'm scared, because it has been long. I have been constantly leaving you. Giving excuses to myself, that by leaving I was actually finding myself. Lie. A big fat lie. The world has put a big blob of dis
Post a Comment
Read more