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Needy

bismillah.

Well, this past week, I am OVERWHELMED by a lot of feelings. If you came across my latest blog post, 'The Results are OUT!' then you'd know. I guess.

But it came to my mind yesterday. A feeling I never thought I can ever have again. I was watching a TV show called Merlin, you know, that show about the young warlock destined to do great things and change the world, the last dragonlord etc. Merlin.

Well, the thing is, since last year, I don't cry anymore. Well, not when watching TV or movies, at least. It's because, when I was still in college, I was lucky enough to have been chosen by Allah to befriend people so devoted to Him, that the feelings of sadness and loneliness doesn't seem to matter anymore. Because we always have each other, no matter what happens. Well, different story for me, though. I was never there for anyone. I was such a.. A.. ahh~ I don't even know what to call it. A snob, maybe? A jerk? Yes, that's maybe a word to label it.

And I think, maybe, because of that, I had a feeling of being cared of. I grew up practically a brat, so not many took any attention to me. But things were different in college. Very different.

Back to Merlin, I came across an episode where I realised, that I had lost the environment I had back at college. I realised, that I am in dire need for two things..
of laughter, and of love
I miss them too much, but I cannot stand the feeling of being a disappointment to them. Because I had failed before, and I can't bear the thought of repeating it again.

There were times I wanted so badly to pick up the phone when they call, or come see them when I had the chance. But I was too afraid. Afraid that I might hurt them once more.

I was browsing through some blogs, and I was saddened to see that I was not welcomed at one of my dear sister's blog. Maybe a mishap or what's not, but I don't know what's gotten in to me that made me feel this way. To feel so in need of a human to accept me.

This may be the pun where I say, "but I know Allah is with me, so I'm fine" but I can't put it here yet.

Uhh~ this is difficult. Referring to my last post, I said something about July. About something that had happened. Well, maybe one day Allah shall give me the time and strength to share it. I hope. Or maybe not.


Maybe then shall I uncover what has truly broken my heart. Maybe then shall I mend the wounds that tore my heart. Maybe then shall I heal. Maybe.

But for now, I know, that what I need, is to find my way back.
To Allah.

For now I am sure..

THAT I AM IN NEED, FOR DIRECTIONS.

For I, am lost.



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