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I've Started Working. Yeay!

bismillah.

So, last Monday, I went back to my college to go to a briefing and to get my result certificate. And we had this, talk, on whether or not I am fit to even apply to the university. Well, I gotta say, it saddens me, a bit. But, hey. It wasn't anybody else's fault. There's no use crying over spilled milk. Rite?

Right after that briefing, I went straight back home, and guessed what?

I GOT A JOB! 



Hooray! Well, technically, most people don't call it a job. But, hey, it's my life. And this is my mumbling page. So, yeah. It's a job!

My job is to find a placement and appeal for the continuation of my scholarship.

Mr. A
my self-proclaimed,
self esteem damager
Ms. B
my wanting-to-make-a-point
self

Mr. A : What?! That's not even a job!
Ms. B : Uhh.. yeah it is!
Mr. A : Nu-uh!
Ms. B : Yes!
Mr. A : That brings you no money!
Ms. B : Who says getting a job means getting money?
Mr. A : WHAT?! What kind of world are you living in?!
Ms. B : Getting a job is not solely on money dude. It's about responsibility.
*Mr. A leaves the conversation with the door slammed*
okay, I know I'm getting crazy, creating non-existent conversation in my mind
I had the wonderful opportunity to live a life laid down on a silver platter. A great journey full of trophies, medals and so-called recognition. Truthfully, I never really 'put myself out there for anything'. It was almost like, I got what I wanted when I needed.

I never revised when I was in kindergarten (who does?)  and I got full marks for each and every subject I took. Yes. 100% for every paper. The second kid who graduated from the whole kindergarten was miles away from my results.

I took fourth year of elementary school for granted, and got 11th in class. That counts for the whole batch. That was my worst result for the whole six years. I scored top 10 most of the times, and top 3 in my early years.

High school, got into the Principal's List (kind of like the Dean's list) for 8 out of 10 semesters. Got to compete in almost everything I wanted to (but brought disgrace to the school as I never won any. well, only once during my fourth year)

And you know what? I got all these (ALHAMDULILLAH) when I was dealing with stuffs that didn't matter much, when I was still a mess.

I grew up basically a brat, but I turned out pretty okay (i guess? haha) And up to the latest news, I flunked my A-Levels. Right when I am finally, comfortably, truthfully, deeply in love with Allah.

So what does this say?

does Allah love me enough to have me fail my A-Levels?
is it better to not having love Allah so much?
you'd done better before college. you think this is a good gesture?

I laugh. (yes, I laugh at my own thoughts. because it seems to me that no one ever talks to me anymore. so I'm talking alone)

The answer is..

YES. Allah loved me too much that He gave a great lesson. That He lets me learn that, I can't get over my head over all the things He gave me before I realised that HE was, and is, the one responsible for my streak of glory right up till my A-Levels results.

NO. It is not better for not loving Allah much. If it had not been Him, I wouldn't be here. And I wouldn't have known my flaws. I would've gone flying, pursuing my dreams with the thought that "I'm smart, I can do it all" or "I did this all on my own" when the fact is, I'm not, and I didn't. Allah caught me at the exact and right moment, right before I got to blow on my own trumpet.

and YES. This is a great gesture. At least, to me. That the power to what lies ahead is not in my hands. It's in His. And it always will be that way. That no matter what I do or how much, if Allah does not favors it, then it won't be. He is the one who decides what's best for me. Not me. Not my parents. Not anyone. Only Him. To some, they may see me as a failure, but I just couldn't care more.

I am walking, chin up, because Allah lets me fall before I really go deeper into the world. To understand that He will be there to catch me when I fall. That it is not the end, just caused I failed. It might take a while to stand again. But to try is better. It's what He wants to see. My endeavor.
So, yeah. This is the first time I kinda ever have to ever work hard to get what I want. And I am looking forward to see where this path leads.


This is a test for me. A test of where I put Allah, and the world. Because when I decide to put Allah in my heart, then the world MUST be on my hands. Not the other way around.


I wonder if I'll succeed in doing so.
Perhaps.




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