Decisions. Decisions.

bismillah.

*sigh* Life has been hectic this past 4 weeks since my A-Level results came out. I am not sighing for ungratefulness, but merely because I just wanna let the stress out. I am not so bummed out when my results didn't meet the standards. What I'm bummed out is at how all of the post-results situation is too stressing me out!

You know, this whole journey has made me think. A LOT. Since high school, I've been asking my friends a question.

who do you see me as in 10 years?

And the answer was unanimous. They ALL answered,

LAWYER 

Maybe because I talk a lot despite my shyness.

Maybe because I talk over-confidently on conversations.

Maybe because I was never funny and all work.

Maybe because I can't stand losing a fight.

Maybe because I always stand for what's right, even when others mock me.

Maybe because I was always a jerk who picks on little-er people.

Maybe because I know things, LOTS OF THINGS, that my peers doesn't know.

Maybe.

When I first told my high school teacher when I was in my freshman year, that I too wanted to be a teacher, he told me that, "If you wanna be a teacher, this isn't the school for you."

So I had it changed. I told people that I don't know what I'm gonna be yet.

When I was in fourth year, we had to decide on something. A career path. So, I chose to "be" a doctor. At that point, I was almost sure of it. Because that was the year, I had my first nephew. My sister told me how awkward she was when she got the info that she is to have her monthly baby check-up with a male doctor. And from that point, my sister told me, "Be a doctor. Defend our rights as women. Don't let men be the gynaecologists. Be one."

So yeah. I planned to become one. Quoting from my brother, "studying medicine is about saving lives. but being a gynae, you invite life."

But as I tell my friends that I wanna be a doctor, they laughed and said, "No, dude. You can't be one." They said I'm hot-headed, impatient, rough. And doctors are nothing like that.

But I went on with it. Cause I wasn't in the mood to please my friends with my choice of career, anyways. And when I was in my senior year, some of my friends, including me, got the chance to apply for a scholarship. I got to pick whatever courses they offered, but none were medicine. And I was like, "whaaa?" And it got to the point where I found a new interest, Biomedical Engineering.

It's like working engineers, for doctors. So, maybe I can make that work. I went to the interview, and I wouldn't say I nailed it, but I got the scholarship. And as I was waiting for the offer letter, I found myself more passionate about medicine again. I was ready to let the offer down.

And I did.

I went on for a few more interviews for medicine, and alhamdulillah, I aced it all. And I felt more comfortable in pursuing medicine. But as time went on, and as I grow a little bit more, I am feeling very insecure.

am I sure?

And now, after my results came out, it's very depressing to know that my chances to pursue medicine is growing thinner. And every time my dad asks me, "How's your application progress?" I just put my head down and said, "Don't ask." Cause the pressure is building up, I became stagnant and don't know what to do. Found a quote just now,

Umar RA said, "Do not learn knowledge for three things, and do not leave it for three things. Do NOT learn it to 1. dispute over it   2. show off with it    3. boast over it     and do NOT leave seeking it out of  1. shyness    2. dislike of it    3. contending with ignorance

So, maybe I need to reset my niyah. Maybe I was wrong to wanting to learn it before. Or maybe I should take this moment to rethink my plans. Am I sure to go on and be a doctor, or be something else and still help people?

Big decisions to make.

But time is running out.

And I'm growing weary.

YOSH! for Allah!