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A Way Back

bismillah.

I got bored, so I browsed through my facebook notes. And I found one I wrote some time ago. It was the most recent one I wrote, and I was glad I found it now. As I read it, I realised, that..I am feeling the same thing all over again. I'm giving excuses again.  I'm done making it. I'm tired. Tedious.

I wanna change. But when it gets too lonely, I find myself lost again. I am slowly starting to find my way back. Hopefully.

So, here goes.

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I'm walking into this room again. It's half full, but I am so alone. I can almost hear my heart thumping, as I tried so hard to hide how its beats were playing the notes I don't want people to ever hear.

Fear.

I'm scared to face you again here. The place where solace was so near, I could dream forever. I'm scared, because it has been long. I have been constantly leaving you. Giving excuses to myself, that by leaving I was actually finding myself.

Lie. A big fat lie.

The world has put a big blob of disappointment in my life these past couple of weeks. And I got tired. Tired of facing it alone. Tired of keeping the hopes, that it will all be better tomorrow. Or someday.

I guess I wasn't patient enough to wait. So I let it fall and tumble. All the time spent rebuilding myself from the debris of my early years, came crashing down like bricks from the walls. One by one, leaving a hole in it. And I became empty once more.

It took me long enough to finally realise that I wasnt looking for myself. I was running away from my own self.

And I got lost.

When I tracked my way back, I find myself.. following my footsteps.. back to this place.

Back to you.

I was too busy making excuses, when I should've gone building competence. I shouldn't have let myself drown in these mixed emotions. And I definitely shouldn't have gone off leaving you.

And so today, I'm here again. Sitting, placing my plams open up to my chest, I can feel hot tears streaming down my face.

"Allah, I'm so sorry"

Repeated, I solemnly had my forehead down on the ground. And I feel much closer. Much, much closer to you.

The pain is excruciating, as I was forcing myself to sob in silence. Where no one else would hear me, but you.


And I hear you whisper, "I'm here,"

And the pain went away.
Leaving me, and my heart void again.
Only to be filled with your love.

Your love, O' Allah.
InshaAllah.







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