bismillah.
Because it's a weekend, one that started terribly, I'm just gonna lay back, and stop self-brain-damaging for all the university websites I've been visiting for the past three weeks. Well, now I know what it feels like when they said, "No Pain, No Gain". Cause after weeks of searching for a placement, I'm in a mental pain!
I guess it's kinda wise to do so at the moment, seeing how ALL my other works are pending. So, now I am in idle mode. And I discovered a lot of things this weekend. And because I have no other people to listen to me talking and blabbering about my decision-making abilities, I'm writing it all out. Haha take that!
My friend who is currently in his 2nd year (I think) in medicine contacted me via FB, because I've been posting stuffs, stupid stuffs about how stressed I was like I'm the only one who's having problems. Stupid me.
Anyways, he was sharing words of wisdom, and was suggesting all these other career choices. And funny yet, all he listed was in my list of future career choice. (well, I guess I was the only one laughing)
This morning, I got a facebook message from a senior of mine from high school. She told me not to give up and don't be sad.
Some of the comments from my stupid statuses were very uplifting. I felt better, but I can't help but think some are misunderstanding what I wrote. Well, I don't blame them. I never had the talent to write truths about myself anyways. A self-irony when all the while I continue to write so!
It got to a point where I am in dire need to really find who I am. And what I found out, was quite.. urm, how to say it..shocking and saddening. And frightening as well.
(I wrote some findings, but I thought it was inappropriate and might cause regret. Had to cancel that out)
I really wanted to be a doctor. At school, I thought I was smart. A can-do-it-all kind of person. Clearly, I was over my head. I thought only smart people go into medicine.
I was wrong.
People don't do well in something they wanna do because they're smart. They do it because they have the passion to make things work. Make their dreams come true.
Then I gotten to a point where I search for 'My Dream'.
And nothing beats more than to live happily. I thought, by feeling smart, and pursuing medicine was a great decision. I missed the signs that tells me "DON'T".
I can't see blood. A bucketful of my own, I don't mind. I even laughed about a deep cut I had which didn't stop bleeding for over two hours and made stupid jokes about it. But when I heard the news that a dear friend of mine had an accident where she rode a bike downhill, and the brakes weren't working, I reacted differently. She hit those black and yellow concrete at the side of the road (I forgot what they're called) and flew herself to a freshly cut tree branch 7 feet from the ground. The top of her head got a deep cut and it didn't stop bleeding. It took her about half an hour to get to the hospital, and kept asking, 'what happened?' This happened in my 3rd year in high school, and I almost fainted to the thought of it. (i wasn't there when the incident occur). Pathetic me.
When I first decided to pursue medicine, and gotten the opportunity to take the A-Level programme, a dear person to me was skeptical about it. That I can't do it. That I just did it because my brother did it.
The thing is, I don't wanna just say, "I do great things" cause, I think, what's more important is having to say, "I'm great at what I do", even what I do is an occasional cleaner. I can't say money and status is not important. It's just that they are not the only thing that matter.
I once wrote a note to a dear sister of mine, "Glory does not come from what is written in the papers. It's whether you take pride carrying His name in what you do."
I don't want to just have a job. I wanna have a career I can be proud of. Even Hassan alBanna only serves as a elementary school teacher, but look at his contributions! He teaches not only in schools. He extended his work to the people around him. Da'wa is still his priority.
And that is what I shall do. InshaAllah.
I'm going against what my sponsors are telling me to do, but I really hope that they might somehow approve.
Du'as and prayers!
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