Musafir Biru

bismillah. Alhamdulillah, I am in my second week of the semester. All praises be to Him, to whom I owe my life, every single bit of tears and scars and smiles. Who provided me with the necessities, and gave me the presence of Islam to help me along the way. Alhamdulillah. So this week, I got to meet some new...classmates. One of the new girls was recruited into my rag-tag team of besties-who-apparently-make-great-assignment-partners. She is from mainland China. Let's call her DJ. So, DJ and I didn't talk at all during class. I was shy, and thought I needed some time before actually talking to her. See, the chinese people around my campus talk using their mother tongue when they're around one another. That made bumping into conversation very unlikely. Though English is the first language here, well, when we meet people of our own, we tend to use our natural language, right? Anyway, that was what happened between DJ and I. Until late that evening, when we were

bismillah. Masa aku masih muda remaja, aku sering mengimpikan, andai ada ruang dan waktu untuk aku duduk di depan, menjadi jeneral dalam perjuangan, menyusun langkah gerombolan amukan atas pentas peperangan, aku mahu. Aku mahu. Hantarkan aku ke tengah medan menggila, bersama anjing-anjing yang butakan matanya, bersama pedang tumpul mencucuh api, menghantar gentar dalam dada yang meneliti, aku bisa. Aku bisa. Masa aku masih naif tentang realiti dunia, aku penuhi mataku dengan angan, yang batil akan lenyap dengan tiupan kencang kebencianku, hingga aku terlupa, yang terisi hanyalah impian cuma, tiada apa. Tiada. Saat kenal tarbiyyah, aku ditampar dan dipukul, diuji dengan angan yang aku bina, tapi tak pernah terlaksana. Aku menjadi masulah. Saat kegagalan bertimpa-timpa, aku teruskan saja melangkah, membiarkan masalah membusuk, hingga akhirnya rosak segala. Yang telah dibina bertahun sebelumnya, yang sudah kukuh menj

bismillah. You know how we get all giddy when a crush of ours actually notices us? Or when we get attention from someone we're dying to meet? Or when our parents grants us what we desires most? And after the encounter, we smiled all day, even in public and people thought we were insane? And you feel you just got swept off your feet and felt like flying? That just happened to me. I was literally, swept off my feet. I was going to a replacement class early in the morning a few days before. I was trying to walk stronger by the day, because I realized there was no point shutting down forever. As I walked alone under the sun, and reciting my morning supplement of ma'thurat, my vision was a bit troubled, so I put my glasses away. And there I was, alone on the road. And then, a car pulled over to my right. The driver, a woman, told me to get in. As an almost extreme introvert, I was reluctant to do so. Remember those TV shows where kids says, "Mommy

bismillah. So last Thursday, I was in class. And then I got a text, a Whatsapp message to be exact, from my sister in India. My dear lecturer back in college was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It was 10.00 am. My first class of the day had just started. There I was, in the middle of the class, in between classmates, trembling... holding up my tears... I lost my focus and everything that my lecturer said , taught and did in front of the class, was gone like the wind. Even the events of the force-me-to-eat-tomato that traumatized some of my classmates was nearly forgotten. I was lost. I couldn't deal with it. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. Okay, that got out wrong. No close relative of mine has ever been admitted to the hospital for days and then diagnosed with a possible terminal illness. I was shocked. Literally. I have no clue as of what to do, how to react, and so I did what I do best under these circumstances. Shut down. I know, I shouldn&

Walking Trying on a straight line Mind set to be sober of all the drunken lies and deceit Hands grasping tight for a moment A short moment to let them believe I was holding to reality But I am slipping away from what seemed the truth Like throwing lassos to the moon hoping it would come down There were vicious demons at war in my head credit A decision to jump off the cliff seemed like right Standing brave like walking planks on the pirate ship A dangerous irony to run away from swords But all the while, diving in to the eye of the storm Mind over muscle I became crippled Unable to walk Unable to move It was a battle to which I lost In the eyes of the survivors, I might be a hero But to a sight deeper than what was seen I remained idle. A dead man walking in the woods credit Searching for a way home To my loyal readers (and new ones), i apologise for keeping you waiting this long for a post. i have numerous drafts, in

bismillah. Okay, so the title is bogus. But I needed one. And that came to mind. Back to what's on my mind. I grew up to the notion that I was never good enough for things, because there was always this pair of eyes following my moves. A pair of condescending eyes.. Anyways, it lead me to feel very inferior about the ripples of my actions. Whether or not my decisions would lead me to approval. It led me to be afraid. Very afraid, of rejection. Because I couldn't take it, facing the same vicious cycle over and over again. To disappoint the owner of those eyes for every step I take. But as I grow up, I realized that, I can't keep living in the shadow. I was, and am, privileged enough to be poured with rains of blessings from the One I love. Alhamdulillah. And with everything I had gotten these past two decades, I believe that fearing about how people perceive me is not how He wanted me to be living the short lit candle He provided. S