Musafir Biru

bismillah. It's been a while since I've been here. I didn't feel worthy enough to write again. But I promised myself that I won't quit. I browsed through my old facebook notes. And this is a particularly sad one, because I've been in the same circle for years, never learning my lesson. I am hoping by posting this, I myself am reminded. So, here goes. " Take Me Back " 28 September 2012 at 00:44 I'm walking into this room again. It's half full, but I am so alone. I can almost hear my heart thumping, as I tried so hard to hide how its beats were playing the notes I don't want people to ever hear. Fear. I'm scared to face you again here. The place where solace was so near, I could dream forever. I'm scared, because it has been long. I have been constantly leaving you. Giving excuses to myself, that by leaving I was actually finding myself. Lie. A big fat lie. The world has put a big blob of dis...

bismillah. Alhamdulillah, I am in my second week of the semester. All praises be to Him, to whom I owe my life, every single bit of tears and scars and smiles. Who provided me with the necessities, and gave me the presence of Islam to help me along the way. Alhamdulillah. So this week, I got to meet some new...classmates. One of the new girls was recruited into my rag-tag team of besties-who-apparently-make-great-assignment-partners. She is from mainland China. Let's call her DJ. So, DJ and I didn't talk at all during class. I was shy, and thought I needed some time before actually talking to her. See, the chinese people around my campus talk using their mother tongue when they're around one another. That made bumping into conversation very unlikely. Though English is the first language here, well, when we meet people of our own, we tend to use our natural language, right? Anyway, that was what happened between DJ and I. Until late that evening, when we were...

bismillah. You know how we get all giddy when a crush of ours actually notices us? Or when we get attention from someone we're dying to meet? Or when our parents grants us what we desires most? And after the encounter, we smiled all day, even in public and people thought we were insane? And you feel you just got swept off your feet and felt like flying? That just happened to me. I was literally, swept off my feet. I was going to a replacement class early in the morning a few days before. I was trying to walk stronger by the day, because I realized there was no point shutting down forever. As I walked alone under the sun, and reciting my morning supplement of ma'thurat, my vision was a bit troubled, so I put my glasses away. And there I was, alone on the road. And then, a car pulled over to my right. The driver, a woman, told me to get in. As an almost extreme introvert, I was reluctant to do so. Remember those TV shows where kids says, "Mommy ...

bismillah. Okay, so the title is bogus. But I needed one. And that came to mind. Back to what's on my mind. I grew up to the notion that I was never good enough for things, because there was always this pair of eyes following my moves. A pair of condescending eyes.. Anyways, it lead me to feel very inferior about the ripples of my actions. Whether or not my decisions would lead me to approval. It led me to be afraid. Very afraid, of rejection. Because I couldn't take it, facing the same vicious cycle over and over again. To disappoint the owner of those eyes for every step I take. But as I grow up, I realized that, I can't keep living in the shadow. I was, and am, privileged enough to be poured with rains of blessings from the One I love. Alhamdulillah. And with everything I had gotten these past two decades, I believe that fearing about how people perceive me is not how He wanted me to be living the short lit candle He provided. S...

bismillah. So I was sitting home one day, and pondered on my life. My whole life. Rethinking everything, and I realised that I spent so much of it sitting in my bubble. And used my I-am-an-introvert lame excuse to get away from my responsibilities. From what I wanna do. It took me a few years of trying and searching to find what I really wanna do in life. I started off wanting to teach, then an engineer, then a doctor. I was so immersed in society's view, that I lost prospect from my goals. Alhamdulillah, I was lucky enough to be given opportunities to try out things. Spent a few years in science school, a couple more in college, trying everything to find my own goals, without anyone else shaping it. And alhamdulillah, I got the chance to have a year gap before enrolling in my degree courses. I found exactly what I want to do during that time. I want to be myself. Even if it meant being different. So, I took a challenge. And my dad was cool enough to lend me...

bismillah. It's been a while since I came back to my college. So, last week, I took the liberty to finally go there to volunteer for my juniors' conference. I had butterflies swarming in my stomach, and I had a hard time convincing myself to go. Finally, at 12.15 pm, I got out of the house, into the car, and headed to the highway. In my mind, there was a lot of things going on, and I wasn't focusing on the road at all. I was supposed to spend the night there, cause I volunteered on the next day, too. But I didn't want to. I refused to. I couldn't. These past 4 months, I've messed myself up. It was easier before, because people won't see me. But, now that I'm going back, I don't know how to confront them. I was scared. I was scared to talk. Scared to reconnect. Scared to even do anything. That 40 minute drive, I imagined all kinds of scenarios I will put up. I'm gonna arrive at the college, pray and  then sleep. And at 3 pm, I...

bismillah. Because it's a weekend, one that started terribly, I'm just gonna lay back, and stop self-brain-damaging for all the university websites I've been visiting for the past three weeks. Well, now I know what it feels like when they said, "No Pain, No Gain". Cause after weeks of searching for a placement, I'm in a mental pain! I guess it's kinda wise to do so at the moment, seeing how ALL my other works are pending. So, now I am in idle mode. And I discovered a lot of things this weekend. And because I have no other people to listen to me talking and blabbering about my decision-making abilities, I'm writing it all out. Haha take that! My friend who is currently in his 2nd year (I think) in medicine contacted me via FB, because I've been posting stuffs, stupid stuffs about how stressed I was like I'm the only one who's having problems. Stupid me. Anyways, he was sharing words of wisdom, and was suggesting all these ot...

bismillah. I know. The title is so like, duh! And it has nothing to do with Jessica Simpson's song. You know what I've been feeling these past couple of weeks? duh, of course not! i'm no mind-reader. why do you think people even READ  your blog? Okay. I know I have a TERRIBLE little-me inside myself. Anyways, I feel like I'm Fat Jane (i don't even know what it means. heck, i don't know if the term exists!) cause I spend most of my time, sitting in front of the computer, finishing documents and stuffs. But an average Joe needs more than 10000 steps a day! I only got, what, like, forty-seven everyday, up and down the stairs? Phew~ and yesterday I finally gathered up the strength and the might that Allah lent me for a while to get up from the bed I've been lying on for more than the average sleeping hours trying to shake the pain off, and alhamdulillah, I DID IT! I got out of bed, out of chair, out of the house! To those willing...

bismillah. *sigh*  Life has been hectic this past 4 weeks since my A-Level results came out. I am not sighing for ungratefulness, but merely because I just wanna let the stress out. I am not so bummed out when my results didn't meet the standards. What I'm bummed out is at how all of the post-results situation is too stressing me out! You know, this whole journey has made me think. A LOT. Since high school, I've been asking my friends a question. who do you see me as in 10 years? And the answer was unanimous. They ALL answered, LAWYER   Maybe because I talk a lot despite my shyness. Maybe because I talk over-confidently on conversations. Maybe because I was never funny and all work. Maybe because I can't stand losing a fight. Maybe because I always stand for what's right, even when others mock me. Maybe because I was always a jerk who picks on little-er people. Maybe because I know things, LOTS OF THINGS, that my peers doesn't ...

bismillah. Ehem.. I was writing a whole lot of stuffs before as the beginning of this post. But I'm afraid I might regret publishing those words. So, I'm cutting it short. I was reminiscing about an old man I met some time ago. I met him one day, when I was going to the night market. We were 6 feet away from each other, waiting at the side of the road, to cross. We didn't talk. Well, I didn't. Because I was too afraid to open my mouth. He was an old man. And I was supposed to help him cross the road. I am not used to watching both sides before crossing the road. That's not me. I was putting my feet on the road, and I caught a glimpse of him. He was raising his hands, and shaking his head, saying 'no'. I drew my feet away, moved closer to him. But I didn't said a word. Not even offered my help. And he was just standing there. Even when the coast is clear, he didn't cross. Later on, I made my move. I was walking, and turned back. ...

bismillah. So, last Monday, I went back to my college to go to a briefing and to get my result certificate. And we had this, talk, on whether or not I am fit to even apply to the university. Well, I gotta say, it saddens me, a bit. But, hey. It wasn't anybody else's fault. There's no use crying over spilled milk. Rite? Right after that briefing, I went straight back home, and guessed what? I GOT A JOB!  Hooray! Well, technically, most people don't call it a job. But, hey, it's my life. And this is my mumbling page. So, yeah. It's a job! My job is to find a placement and appeal for the continuation of my scholarship. Mr. A my self-proclaimed, self esteem damager Ms. B my wanting-to-make-a-point self Mr. A : What?! That's not even a job! Ms. B : Uhh.. yeah it is! Mr. A : Nu-uh! Ms. B : Yes! Mr. A : That brings you no money! Ms. B : Who says getting a job means getting money? Mr. A : WHAT?! What kind of w...

bismillah. To mummy, if someday you happen to be blessed by Allah with your own children, I, your own 20-year old self would like to say a few things. One, don't be afraid to let your child fall down when he walks. don't panic. let him learn, that it is okay to fall. be there beside him, and encourage him to be strong. that falling down doesn't mean you can't move no more. give him your hands, but don't pick him up. let him know, that there is always someone to assist him getting up. teach him that you can't always expect people to pick you up. but you can have support so you can stand stronger and move on the next time. that a few scratches is okay, but it doesn't cripple you. It might lead to a much better lesson later in life. alhamdulillah, I have been blessed with 6 nieces and nephews, and still counting. it has been a wonderful 5 years. thank you, Allah :') mummy=me. training my nephews and nieces to call me that from now on ...

bismillah. Wow! It's almost two months I've been in the holiday mode. And so far, I have been doing nothing. I haven't worked (well, not a REAL job that is), I haven't finish my hafazan, I haven't finish reading my books. Absolutely a non-satisfying holiday. I know, I am to blame. Just say it. I've been having a condition where I am unable to implement what I wanna do at the time and place I want. Well, some call it excuse. Some may call it laziness. To be honest, I have to agree. I'm at the point where I am too sensitive of things. I can't be scolded. I can't be taunted. I can't be laughed at. (wait, I ALWAYS experience this!) To tell ya the truth, I am sick of myself. Sick of not doing anything. I tried to change, but all was the same. This reminded me of a time, when I was still in college. One day, as I was going to class and passed my friends' apartment, she said to me (out loud) Eh, muka kau berseri-seri la! ...