Musafir Biru

bismillah. Masa aku masih muda remaja, aku sering mengimpikan, andai ada ruang dan waktu untuk aku duduk di depan, menjadi jeneral dalam perjuangan, menyusun langkah gerombolan amukan atas pentas peperangan, aku mahu. Aku mahu. Hantarkan aku ke tengah medan menggila, bersama anjing-anjing yang butakan matanya, bersama pedang tumpul mencucuh api, menghantar gentar dalam dada yang meneliti, aku bisa. Aku bisa. Masa aku masih naif tentang realiti dunia, aku penuhi mataku dengan angan, yang batil akan lenyap dengan tiupan kencang kebencianku, hingga aku terlupa, yang terisi hanyalah impian cuma, tiada apa. Tiada. Saat kenal tarbiyyah, aku ditampar dan dipukul, diuji dengan angan yang aku bina, tapi tak pernah terlaksana. Aku menjadi masulah. Saat kegagalan bertimpa-timpa, aku teruskan saja melangkah, membiarkan masalah membusuk, hingga akhirnya rosak segala. Yang telah dibina bertahun sebelumnya, yang sudah kukuh menj...

bismillah. You know how we get all giddy when a crush of ours actually notices us? Or when we get attention from someone we're dying to meet? Or when our parents grants us what we desires most? And after the encounter, we smiled all day, even in public and people thought we were insane? And you feel you just got swept off your feet and felt like flying? That just happened to me. I was literally, swept off my feet. I was going to a replacement class early in the morning a few days before. I was trying to walk stronger by the day, because I realized there was no point shutting down forever. As I walked alone under the sun, and reciting my morning supplement of ma'thurat, my vision was a bit troubled, so I put my glasses away. And there I was, alone on the road. And then, a car pulled over to my right. The driver, a woman, told me to get in. As an almost extreme introvert, I was reluctant to do so. Remember those TV shows where kids says, "Mommy ...

bismillah. So last Thursday, I was in class. And then I got a text, a Whatsapp message to be exact, from my sister in India. My dear lecturer back in college was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It was 10.00 am. My first class of the day had just started. There I was, in the middle of the class, in between classmates, trembling... holding up my tears... I lost my focus and everything that my lecturer said , taught and did in front of the class, was gone like the wind. Even the events of the force-me-to-eat-tomato that traumatized some of my classmates was nearly forgotten. I was lost. I couldn't deal with it. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. Okay, that got out wrong. No close relative of mine has ever been admitted to the hospital for days and then diagnosed with a possible terminal illness. I was shocked. Literally. I have no clue as of what to do, how to react, and so I did what I do best under these circumstances. Shut down. I know, I shouldn...

bismillah. So I was sitting home one day, and pondered on my life. My whole life. Rethinking everything, and I realised that I spent so much of it sitting in my bubble. And used my I-am-an-introvert lame excuse to get away from my responsibilities. From what I wanna do. It took me a few years of trying and searching to find what I really wanna do in life. I started off wanting to teach, then an engineer, then a doctor. I was so immersed in society's view, that I lost prospect from my goals. Alhamdulillah, I was lucky enough to be given opportunities to try out things. Spent a few years in science school, a couple more in college, trying everything to find my own goals, without anyone else shaping it. And alhamdulillah, I got the chance to have a year gap before enrolling in my degree courses. I found exactly what I want to do during that time. I want to be myself. Even if it meant being different. So, I took a challenge. And my dad was cool enough to lend me...

bismillah. I sat alone in this strange room, feeling empty. I spent a couple of prayers before trying to cry, but I still couldn't. My heart is stoned. So, I stepped outside in the sun, walking alone. I was hesitant at first, because I don't know if I can do it. For a few years now I have been accustomed to wearing larger clothes. But I outgrew most of my clothes, they shrunk. What I had currently on is a green used-to-be over-sized long sleeved tee, with brown pants which I shouldn't wear anymore. I put on my shoes, no socks, and kept walking. I was testing myself on a thought I had in mind. Did I lose my heart? Five steps out, I almost cried. I looked down, and convinced myself, "I shouldn't go out like this!" I felt, stripped down. I felt like I was naked. But I kept on walking. The fact that I feel so naked made me so grateful. I still have my heart. Alhamdulillah. I long have left t...

bismillah. Ehem.. I was writing a whole lot of stuffs before as the beginning of this post. But I'm afraid I might regret publishing those words. So, I'm cutting it short. I was reminiscing about an old man I met some time ago. I met him one day, when I was going to the night market. We were 6 feet away from each other, waiting at the side of the road, to cross. We didn't talk. Well, I didn't. Because I was too afraid to open my mouth. He was an old man. And I was supposed to help him cross the road. I am not used to watching both sides before crossing the road. That's not me. I was putting my feet on the road, and I caught a glimpse of him. He was raising his hands, and shaking his head, saying 'no'. I drew my feet away, moved closer to him. But I didn't said a word. Not even offered my help. And he was just standing there. Even when the coast is clear, he didn't cross. Later on, I made my move. I was walking, and turned back. ...

bismillah. Well, this past week, I am OVERWHELMED by a lot of feelings. If you came across my latest blog post, 'The Results are OUT!' then you'd know. I guess. But it came to my mind yesterday. A feeling I never thought I can ever have again. I was watching a TV show called Merlin, you know, that show about the young warlock destined to do great things and change the world, the last dragonlord etc. Merlin. Well, the thing is, since last year, I don't cry anymore. Well, not when watching TV or movies, at least. It's because, when I was still in college, I was lucky enough to have been chosen by Allah to befriend people so devoted to Him, that the feelings of sadness and loneliness doesn't seem to matter anymore. Because we always have each other, no matter what happens. Well, different story for me, though. I was never  there for anyone. I was such a.. A.. ahh~ I don't even know what to call it. A snob, maybe? A jerk? Yes, that's maybe a wor...

bismillah. Today, I went to drive my mom to the market. And, as we went there, I wasn't quick enough to trail after my mom. So, I got lost finding her. Best way, I thought, is to just stand still and let her find me. The way she used to do when I got lost at Masjid Jamek 14 years ago. And she found me. So, as I stand there waiting, right next to the butcher counter, I watched it all settle into place. And I was gobsmacked by every little thing that happened. I saw a male employee, constantly being scolded by 'Le Boss' in front of the customers. The others didn't turn to care, just wanting him to get the job done. I saw him being taunted, kicked, and bossed around non-stop. Like everything he did was wrong. It was also wrong for him to hone his knife. I can feel his frustration. Cause I've been there. I saw 'Le Boss', raising his voice up to scold his employees. I saw him kicking his employee in the butt just to make a statement. I saw hi...

bismillah. Alhamdulillah, telah 5 hari Ramadhan datang bertandang. Para pembaca (kalau ada *ehem* ) macam mana puasa setakat ni? I'd love to read what you've been through :) Hari ni kolej mula program tadarus alQuran. Entahlah, nak komen pun rasa tak layak, tapi saaaangat bersyukur masih ada program macam ni. Nanti entah-entah makin tua, takde siapa dah nak pimpin program macam ni. *boo hoo* Masa tadabbur terserempak dengan ayat Dia (Zakaria) berkata, "Ya Tuhanku, sungguh tulangku telah lemah dan kepalaku telah dipenuhi uban, dan aku belum pernah kecewa dalam berdoa kepadaMu Ya Tuhanku" [Maryam, 19:9] Entahlah. Seolah-olah ayat ni berbisik kepada saya, 'saya tak boleh penat berdoa!' Dalam ayat ni, ditafsirkan tentang nabi Zakaria. Tengok. Nabi pun tak putus-putus berdoa kat Allah. Tak pernah penat meminta. Tak pernah kecewa dalam berdoa Tengoklah nabi Zakaria dah tua dah haa~ beruban. Tapi saya sangat terasa dengan ayat dia ...

bismillah. hari tu saya dan buah hati saya pergi ke XX untuk uruskan satu hal ni *fuyohh busynyee* lepas dah settle, kami bergerak ke klinik haiwan. kenapa? sebab buah hati saya semua dah jadi mak angkat sorang anak kucing kat kolej tu. ya, seorang. sebab semua layan dia macam anak sendiri. nak tau nama dia? namanya.. ZAHRAH ! mana taknye kitorang anggap dia macam manusia? macam anak sendiri? ngehngeh *mak zahrah, kalau saya salah eja nama minta ampun ya? kesian zahrah. dia terpaksa berpuasa sebab stok susu dia dah habis. *sobsob*  sesampainya kat klinik haiwan tu, dua orang buah hati saya, meninggalkan saya dan sorang buah hati saya dalam kereta. kami berbual sebentar. tiba-tiba, buah hati : lahhh saya tak nampak dia punya rokok tu. ingatkan dia baca paper je (sambil menunjuk kat sorang lelaki kat tepi klinik tu) saya          : eh, ha'ah la. pandai dia sorok. buah hati : tulah. saya pun nampak sebab dia buat asap rokok macam 'r...

bismillah. fuh. baru je menjejakkan kaki ke teratak terchenta setelah 3 bulan lebih tinggalkannya. rindu? adelah sikit *big grin. sampai je kat ruang tamu, nampak khemah besar! okay, khemah sebenar bukan warna biru-kuning ni. kaler merah. khemah untuk budak-budak. dan takde tingkap. -.- #yang kat atas ni gambar google je. bestlah khemah ni. rupanya ni khemah ni milik anak sedara bujang dua orang kat rumah ni. tapi open to anyone who wants to enter. pintu khemah sentiasa terbuka *chewah. saya pun ape lagi. jenguklah ke dalam. maklumlah jakun tak pernah dapat masa kecik dulu -.- memang bestla. boleh tidur dalam tu! tengok anak-anak buah hepi je main sama-sama. makcik yang serba-serbi malas ni pun seronoklaaaa tak payah jaga sangat diorang dah syok main tu :) heheh khemah ni agak kukuh strukturnya. tiang support dia boleh tahanlah. kalau baaaaanyak mainan dalam khemah ni, memang takkan tumbanglah.tapi, bila semua mainan kena bawak keluar, main dengan babi...

bismillah. Orang kata hidup ni macam roda. Ada masa di atas, di bawah, di atas semula. Ada jugak yang kata, putaran ni hidup kita, dari lahir-->baby-->budak-budak-->membesar-->kerja/kawin etc-->mati but do you know its beyond that? "Celakalah manusia! Alangkah kufurnya dia! Dari apakah Dia menciptakannya? Dari setitis mani, Dia menciptakannya lalu menentukannya, Kemudian jalannya dimudahkan, Kemudian Dia mematikannya lalu menguburkannya, Kemudian jika Dia menghendaki, Dia membangkitkannya kembali. SEKALI-KALI JANGAN BEGITU! Dia itu belum melaksanakan apa yang Dia perintahkan kepadanya" [ 80 : 17-23 ] Sebelum kita lahir, Allah dah tentukan rezeki dan perjalanan hidup kita. Maka dalam ayat di atas ni, Allah dah cakap Dia permudahkan jalan kita. Tapi Allah berfirman, 'sekali-kali jangan! Dia belum melaksanakan apa yang diperintahkan kepadanya,' Sebenarnya, macam mana perjalanan hidup kita ni? (erk. kalau sudi nak baca ...

Bismillah. Ada satu cerita yang saya nak kongsi hari ni. Benda ni berlaku masa saya form 5 atau form 4 (tak ingat pulak) tapi lebih kurang around that time. Saya ada sorang sahabat. Biarlah saya panggil dia Hana. Hana ni saaaaangat baik. Beruntung saya dapat kawan dengan dia. Masa form 4, dia terpilih untuk pegang antara jawatan terbesar kat sekolah, sebagai BWP, biro Wanita. Seronok, saya jadi not-so-AJK dia. Tapi masa form 4, dia dikecam hebat oleh kawan-kawan sebaya. Dia terganggu. Saya risau tengok dia. Tapi dia selalu cakap dia okay. Naik form 5, kecaman semakin hebat. Saya alhamdulillah dilantik untuk pegang tampuk pimpinan AJK Surau. Jadi, disebabkan kami ada impian yang sama untuk wanita muslimah, kami sama-sama bergerak berganding bahu. Hari Jumaat, masa Zohor, saya akan imamkan solat. Prinsip saya, saya tak nak orang jadi pemimpin terpaksa. Saya tak pernah set-kan siapa yang akan jadi imam mingguan. Semuanya voluntary. Plus, saya tahu betapa besarnya berat yang d...

Bismillah. Menjadi yang terpilih bukanlah satu peluang yang patut disiakan. Dapat scholarship dan anda betul-betul layak untuknya tak seharusnya disia-siakan begitu sahaja. Dapat hidup, for one more day, bukanlah satu peluang yang mampu untuk kita bazirkan. Minggu ni minggu exam. Actually dah 3 minggu dah jalani minggu exam. Say what?! Haha serius. Kat kolej ni, exam besar sampai sebulan. Hambik kau. Sorry, merepek pulak. Back to the point. Lihat sendiri pada diri kita. Kita, orang islam kan? (statement ni hanya untuk pembaca muslim. tiada niat lain, sekadar peringatan) dan Allah dah janji dalam Quran, Dia kata Kamu (umat Islam) adalah UMAT TERBAIK yang dilahirkan untuk manusia.. [ 3:110] Sambungan ayat tu, nanti kita bincangkan lagi, insyaAllah. Umat terbaik? Apa tu? Well, dalam hidup ni.. yang terbaik tu, is the best that anyone can get kan? Takde level lagi tinggi dari yang terbaik. So, why the need to put ourselves far lower than what is des...

Seronok. Tengahari semalam, mendung aje. Sejuk! Entah kenapa dalam kelas Biologi semalam, mengantuk aje. Kebetulan dah tengahari, jadi saya pun balik la ke apartmen untuk qailulah sekejap, sebab masih berbaki setengah jam sebelum kelas Maths selepasnya. Pelik, kenapalah saya saaaaangat mengantuk. Semalam tidur cukup je. Bila saya bangun, dah pukul 1.30 dah! Habislah terlepas kelas Math! Nasib baik kelas tak wajib. Alahai sedihnya~ Bila bangun, saya masih melayan rasa mengantuk tu. Astaghfirullahalazim! Sampailah langit yang tadinya mendung kini makin gelap. Hujan turun dengan sangat lebat dan tiba-tiba. Wah~ seolah-olah rasa mengantuk ni minta dilayan! Saya tolak perasaan tu jauh-jauh sebab dah lama sangat dah saya tidur. And I don't need more of it today. Jam 3, hujan makin lebat. Pintu rumah diketuk. Oh, Liyana rupanya. Di tangannya ada sehelai kertas, nota amanah dari Ustaz Haikal. Kata Liyana, dia nak pergi fotostat kertas tu, tapi hujan lebat pulak. Liyana nampak la...

BISMILLAHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM Assalamualaikum! Peace be unto you. Hello! Whassup! Howdy partner? (sorry for the nonsense intro) Apa khabar hari ni? :) Alhamdulillah. Langit cerah, matahari pun tengah tersenyum. Cuaca yang menarik untuk sidai kain. (huh?) Hari ni, saya mahu bercerita sedikit, just nak kongsi apa yang saya dapat baru-baru ni. Nak baca tak? Tak berniat nak menghipnosis kamu ye :) Sekadar nak make sure korang masih nak baca. Sebab saya tau post saya membosankan blahblahblah~ Satu malam ni, malam Selasa to be exact, housemate saya puasa. Jadi dia dah pakat dengan classmates dia untuk berbuka di luar. (Makan kat restoran gitu) Jadi Maghrib tu, saya dan dia berjemaah berdua. Entahlah apa yang mengganggu malam tu, mungkin disebabkan sliding door yang tak bertutup menyebabkan banyak shaytaan masuk rumah dan ganggu kami, hinggakan saya terlupa apa saya buat time solat tu! ASTAGH FIRULLAH ALAZIM! Masa rakaat ke3, saya tiba-tiba disuap dengan fikira...