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Rejectophobia

bismillah.

Okay, so the title is bogus. But I needed one. And that came to mind.

Back to what's on my mind.

I grew up to the notion that I was never good enough for things, because there was always this pair of eyes following my moves. A pair of condescending eyes..

Anyways, it lead me to feel very inferior about the ripples of my actions. Whether or not my decisions would lead me to approval.

It led me to be afraid. Very afraid, of rejection.


Because I couldn't take it, facing the same vicious cycle over and over again.
To disappoint the owner of those eyes for every step I take.

But as I grow up, I realized that, I can't keep living in the shadow.

I was, and am, privileged enough to be poured with rains of blessings from the One I love. Alhamdulillah. And with everything I had gotten these past two decades, I believe that fearing about how people perceive me is not how He wanted me to be living the short lit candle He provided.

So, I was given tests these few months back. Because there was this principle I learned in college.
Allah shall test our weaknesses to our boundaries until we succeeded to overcome it
I was all geared up back in February to apply for colleges in country A. But the officers told me my grades weren't good enough to get me there.
To allow me to be a doctor.
That February was when the policies changed, and everything went downhill from there.

It took me forever to change my plans, as a change of heart is far heavier burden to bear than a change of clothes. (duh~) Well, at least, for me.

I fell down. And became shattered.
I was a wreck.
And led me to fear of facing my dearly beloved friends, and sisters. For months.
Fear that they would reject my flaws.

Last week, after months of trying, I got a few letters. Offer letters to enroll in university in country B. This was a plan I did on my own, without taking account of what my superiors might say.
I took a gamble.
And after offering my proposal to them, I got rejected. Again.

So, yeah, I guess in a way that I got a bite off my butt for being too bold and stupid.

But I got through with it, and alhamdulillah, a better plan is starting to shine in front of the dark tunnel I'm walking through.

I think I ended up well, through all those so-called disappointments.
Those would be my memorabilia I would look proudly upon contemplating in the future. Hopefully.

Getting knocked down is a norm. Getting back up is an option.

So, it's really YOUR choice.

Rejections is one of the things that I can rely on now for words of truth.
So, to my loved One, I thank You for all these tests.
  • I wanted to write my experience, but I didn't really have a clear way on how to end the post. I do hope it gets to point.
  • This had been a long overdue post. To those who waited, rest assured, that your patience, visits and comments are what drives me to be better. Anonymous or not, you are in my prayers.

Love.

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