well, SPM results was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i wasn't actually confident with my upcoming results, and thus far what i got was the best thing i could've asked. though it's still wasn't enough (as usual la kan?)
well, in malaysia.. good offers come from good grades.
err.. or all other countries alike?
so, with my mediocre-great grades..
*does such word exists??*
i applied for a mara loan/scholarship for international studies. well, deep in my gut, i don't really wanna go overseas. i'd rather stay local. *though that was my childhood dream.. haih~* many things were bothering me. my parents getting older, costs, consequences blahblahblah... but, after a few push from my dear teachers and friends, i tried. and i got to attend the interview. excited? OF COURSE! this was like the 2nd time i was offered such a thing
*i was offered to go abroad before, to australia/new zealand in engineering.. from mara also. but i rejected it. LOL*
anyways... i got to the interview, happy that i thought i did well. err, better than the last mara interview.. and i still think that wasn't enough to secure a spot for me. after a week, there was still no news. so i was totally prepared to further my study at a prestigious local university, UM. woohoo~ i never thought that people look up to those getting there, let alone got offered. so, yeah. i thought that i would do great there. most of my friends are going there. so i was totally excited!
then one afternoon, the letter came. letter from the college i was about to attend for my a-levels (if i decided to go with mara) then it hit me. many people want what i have now. i shouldn't waste this opportunity. it would make me look as if i take mara as a joke. go interview twice, offered twice and rejected both? that would just be plain stupid.
at least, that's what i thought
i probably shouldn't spill out much info about my program. all i can say is, i am to attend a local college for a cambridge a-level program for two years and will further in medicine. truthfully, i am NOT sure whether or not i am making the right decision. ^^ but i am ready. ready to go on with my dreams. i always say
dreams come true when we believe in it
and even if nobody else believes in it, doesn't means we should too. so, i am gambling my future by joining this program.
WAIT! i am getting waaaaaaay off topic. okay, back to my point. this whole study abroad thing, is something very.. uncertain. if i dont score in my a-levels, say goodbye to everything, and these two years i will be spending is going to waste. i HAVE to start back at A. on the other hand, the one year program in UM guarantees a vast opportunity and probabilities. if i score, i could easily be offered a full scholarship, or even secure my spot in UM for a degree program. at least, the future is much clearer at UM, that at the college i am about to attend to.
the facts are out. now for the truth...
my whole life, i REALLY.. REALLY.. REALLY wanna impress this one person. i will portray this person as B. B plays kind of a very important role in my life. i love B soooooooo much. but B doesn't see that. i was always an outcast in front of B. nothing i do grabs B's attention. so, i thought the news of i will probably study abroad would excite B. but the country i will go, is not of B's choice. so i was mentally criticised of my opportunity. how could anyone.. like.. despise a golden chance?? i truly don't get it. 
now, i am DONE paying attention to what B thinks of me or what i do. i am now, walking straight ahead. i am giving up in trying to lure B's attention, cause B never took any effort to say "good" or "nice job" or even a SMILE! for me to care about what B thinks would ruin me and my self-confidence that i am already lacking. so, B.. if you don't like it, you can just ignore i ever existed. what you did, really fires me up to work harder to prove that i am worth as a human.
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ya noe ya can, aite ?
hee.