Musafir Biru

bismillah. Masa aku masih muda remaja, aku sering mengimpikan, andai ada ruang dan waktu untuk aku duduk di depan, menjadi jeneral dalam perjuangan, menyusun langkah gerombolan amukan atas pentas peperangan, aku mahu. Aku mahu. Hantarkan aku ke tengah medan menggila, bersama anjing-anjing yang butakan matanya, bersama pedang tumpul mencucuh api, menghantar gentar dalam dada yang meneliti, aku bisa. Aku bisa. Masa aku masih naif tentang realiti dunia, aku penuhi mataku dengan angan, yang batil akan lenyap dengan tiupan kencang kebencianku, hingga aku terlupa, yang terisi hanyalah impian cuma, tiada apa. Tiada. Saat kenal tarbiyyah, aku ditampar dan dipukul, diuji dengan angan yang aku bina, tapi tak pernah terlaksana. Aku menjadi masulah. Saat kegagalan bertimpa-timpa, aku teruskan saja melangkah, membiarkan masalah membusuk, hingga akhirnya rosak segala. Yang telah dibina bertahun sebelumnya, yang sudah kukuh menj...

bismillah. You know how we get all giddy when a crush of ours actually notices us? Or when we get attention from someone we're dying to meet? Or when our parents grants us what we desires most? And after the encounter, we smiled all day, even in public and people thought we were insane? And you feel you just got swept off your feet and felt like flying? That just happened to me. I was literally, swept off my feet. I was going to a replacement class early in the morning a few days before. I was trying to walk stronger by the day, because I realized there was no point shutting down forever. As I walked alone under the sun, and reciting my morning supplement of ma'thurat, my vision was a bit troubled, so I put my glasses away. And there I was, alone on the road. And then, a car pulled over to my right. The driver, a woman, told me to get in. As an almost extreme introvert, I was reluctant to do so. Remember those TV shows where kids says, "Mommy ...

bismillah. So last Thursday, I was in class. And then I got a text, a Whatsapp message to be exact, from my sister in India. My dear lecturer back in college was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It was 10.00 am. My first class of the day had just started. There I was, in the middle of the class, in between classmates, trembling... holding up my tears... I lost my focus and everything that my lecturer said , taught and did in front of the class, was gone like the wind. Even the events of the force-me-to-eat-tomato that traumatized some of my classmates was nearly forgotten. I was lost. I couldn't deal with it. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. Okay, that got out wrong. No close relative of mine has ever been admitted to the hospital for days and then diagnosed with a possible terminal illness. I was shocked. Literally. I have no clue as of what to do, how to react, and so I did what I do best under these circumstances. Shut down. I know, I shouldn...

Walking Trying on a straight line Mind set to be sober of all the drunken lies and deceit Hands grasping tight for a moment A short moment to let them believe I was holding to reality But I am slipping away from what seemed the truth Like throwing lassos to the moon hoping it would come down There were vicious demons at war in my head credit A decision to jump off the cliff seemed like right Standing brave like walking planks on the pirate ship A dangerous irony to run away from swords But all the while, diving in to the eye of the storm Mind over muscle I became crippled Unable to walk Unable to move It was a battle to which I lost In the eyes of the survivors, I might be a hero But to a sight deeper than what was seen I remained idle. A dead man walking in the woods credit Searching for a way home To my loyal readers (and new ones), i apologise for keeping you waiting this long for a post. i have numerous drafts, in...

bismillah. Okay, so the title is bogus. But I needed one. And that came to mind. Back to what's on my mind. I grew up to the notion that I was never good enough for things, because there was always this pair of eyes following my moves. A pair of condescending eyes.. Anyways, it lead me to feel very inferior about the ripples of my actions. Whether or not my decisions would lead me to approval. It led me to be afraid. Very afraid, of rejection. Because I couldn't take it, facing the same vicious cycle over and over again. To disappoint the owner of those eyes for every step I take. But as I grow up, I realized that, I can't keep living in the shadow. I was, and am, privileged enough to be poured with rains of blessings from the One I love. Alhamdulillah. And with everything I had gotten these past two decades, I believe that fearing about how people perceive me is not how He wanted me to be living the short lit candle He provided. S...

bismillah. So I was sitting home one day, and pondered on my life. My whole life. Rethinking everything, and I realised that I spent so much of it sitting in my bubble. And used my I-am-an-introvert lame excuse to get away from my responsibilities. From what I wanna do. It took me a few years of trying and searching to find what I really wanna do in life. I started off wanting to teach, then an engineer, then a doctor. I was so immersed in society's view, that I lost prospect from my goals. Alhamdulillah, I was lucky enough to be given opportunities to try out things. Spent a few years in science school, a couple more in college, trying everything to find my own goals, without anyone else shaping it. And alhamdulillah, I got the chance to have a year gap before enrolling in my degree courses. I found exactly what I want to do during that time. I want to be myself. Even if it meant being different. So, I took a challenge. And my dad was cool enough to lend me...

bismillah. I sat alone in this strange room, feeling empty. I spent a couple of prayers before trying to cry, but I still couldn't. My heart is stoned. So, I stepped outside in the sun, walking alone. I was hesitant at first, because I don't know if I can do it. For a few years now I have been accustomed to wearing larger clothes. But I outgrew most of my clothes, they shrunk. What I had currently on is a green used-to-be over-sized long sleeved tee, with brown pants which I shouldn't wear anymore. I put on my shoes, no socks, and kept walking. I was testing myself on a thought I had in mind. Did I lose my heart? Five steps out, I almost cried. I looked down, and convinced myself, "I shouldn't go out like this!" I felt, stripped down. I felt like I was naked. But I kept on walking. The fact that I feel so naked made me so grateful. I still have my heart. Alhamdulillah. I long have left t...

bismillah. Haritu berkesempatan join usrah skype untuk akhawat metropolitan KL/Selangor. Alhamdulillah. Ada sorang akhawat ni share pasal manusia A B C D. Anda nak kenal? Nakkkk Anda nak tahu? Nakkkkk Betul ni? Boleh tak bagitau je? *insert eye roll here* (okay, ini perbualan imaginasi sahaja)  DRUMROLL. Manusia A Manusia A adalah manusia awam. Ini merangkumi semua manusia secara umum. Kira, semua oranglah. Tanpa kira status agama, bangsa, single, married.. eh? Manusia B Manusia B adalah manusia biasa. Di mana dia seorang muslim yang ibadahnya biasa-biasa sahaja (that includes me -______-' ) Beda manusia B dan A ialah Islam. Manusia C Manusia C adalah manusia committed (komited). Mereka ini adalah yang ibadah siang malamnya mantap. Tak tinggal, tak lewat, tak malas. Manusia D Manusia D adalah manusia da'i. Orang-orang ini bukan sahaja menjaga tugasnya sebagai seorang hamba, tapi turut mengajak manusia lain untuk turut jadi hamba s...

S udah hampir setengah jam aku berdiri di bawah pancuran air di bilik mandi ini. Terasa kosong dan sepi. Sunyi. Jemariku sudah kelihatan seperti seorang pakcik tua, gayanya. Berkedut. Tapi segalanya terasa begitu kering. Aku mendongak membiarkan air membasahi wajahku, seperti aku di bawah limpahan hujan. Setelah beberapa ketika, aku menundukkan kepalaku semula, tangan di dinding, seolah menahannya dari menghempapku. Mindaku berlegar ke perbualan semalam. "Yo, bro. Nak baldi ke buat tadah air liur kau tu?"  Saiful menyapaku saat aku leka memerhati dia. Aliya. Aku mengikat semula rambutku agar tampak lebih kemas, dan menyarung 'beanie' unguku. "Hensem tak aku?" Saiful memuncung. "I don't think so, dude. No," sambil menggeleng kepala. "Whaaaat?" "Serius lah. Perempuan macam tu, mana pandang orang macam kita?" "Apa? Gelandangan?" sambil tersengih besar. "Well, for one, yes. Dahlah. Kau ni, la...

bismillah. It has been some time that I haven't been able to really open up and express my feelings. There were always factors that I needed to evaluate before doing so. Factors which, in the end, prevented me from even saying what's in my head. I know, Muslims should be strong. And that we can't give up on the tests Allah laid out in our path. And that no matter how hard our journey is, there are always others who endured a far worse day. I know that. Seeing how my brothers and sisters struggling for freedom each day, not even sure if tomorrow there will be a roof atop their heads, or they will see tomorrow's sunrise, or if they will be food on the table, or if the head count in the next five minutes will be the same as before. Everything is unsure, yet they are happy to fight for their rights. Subhanallah! Not even a whine from anyone . Be yet kids, or old ones. None. #FreeSyria #FreePalestine hand-sown flags at my house. yeay! How people wh...

bismillah. Esok Malaysia hadapi hari penentu. Penentu masa depan rakyat, penentu masa depan negara, penentu masa depan bangsa. Tapi, aku yang baru setahun jagung, berdarah muda ini, aku lihat esok adalah hari penentu masa depan PARTI. Minta maaf. Aku telah terbiasa tak berfikir tanpa berkata-kata. Tapi kali ini aku dah fikir semasaknya. Sebelum aku memperjudikan masa depan aku yang entah bagaimana rupanya, aku mahu suarakan. Apa pun yang berlaku esok, aku redha. Izinkan aku. Jika tak mahu baca, berhentilah. Tidak terasa hati. InshaAllah. Sebelum apa-apa, aku mahu ambil sepotong ayat dari sebuah rancangan televisyen yang aku tonton baru-baru ini. be a supporter by choice, rather than by obligation Lebih kurang. Entahlah kenapa. Aku belum layak mengundi. Tapi setahu aku, hak bersuara aku masih milik aku. (wah, pandai guna "aku" sekarang ya) Aku mahu matang. Aku mahu membesar jadi orang yang tahu berfikir. Guna akal. Tak kira siapapun kerajaa...

bismillah. One night, my sister, my brother, and my two nephews went out to a mall. Usually, to make our nieces and nephews behave whenever we are in the car or outside the house, my brother and I ask them to find the moon, stars, birds etc. So that night, my brother, and my sister (my nephews' mother) asked them to find the moon. The older brother, a five-year old, was just giggling in my brother's lap. The younger boy, the three-year old, was the one excited to find it. Sister : Mana bulan? (Where's the moon?)  Nampak tak? (Can you see it?) [Nephew starts searching for it, but the night was dark, and there was no moon.] Nephew : Moon takde. (No moon.) Moon sleep. Sister : Stars? Nephew : Takde. (No.) Stars sleep. Sun pun  sleep. When we are supposed to shine, but we hide in the dark, or, to quote my nephew, sleep, none can enjoy the light. Step out from your hiding. And shine your way. You might be the light that could one day change...

bismillah. Speak good or remain silent. [HR Bukhari & Muslim] I used to talk a lot back in my school years. I mean, A LOT! I was the crazy, old, non-stop talking bird who was known for a wide range of rants. I couldn't stop jibber-jabber-ing. I was the 'twitter'. (pun intended) I don't think I had ever quite shut up except when crying and sleeping. And in history classes (I usually sleep during that time). And my so-called talkativeness got worse when I started yapping about my past to my beloved teacher whom I now call as a friend. So, being able to talk was my, how do you say it.. superpower. Back then, I was the one always wanting to say whatever that my mind wanted me to say. Sometimes rational. Most of the time, not so much. I got banned by some of the guys when I was a senior cause I was, apparently, "too outspoken". Irony. Now I don't even talk. Not to my family. Not to friends. Not anyone. Le bird, h...

bismillah. The last week of February, my brother decided to come back home for a week. Taking a vacation from his long days of being an intern as a houseman at a hospital in Sarawak. The week he came home was the week that my parents went outstation. So there was just me, him, and my lil bro. my doctor-brother in red-tee, my lil bro next to me After we went to visit our grandma on Monday, she invited us for lunch some time for that week. But my brother kept saying that he can't make it. The thing is, my big bro, he doesn't talk much. So, it was not a surprise when we found out that the reason he didn't want us to have lunch with grandma was that he had the whole week planned for us three! He had only 2-days void left in his week here, and he was planning for a wonderful trip. But to His plans, we had to cancel that. And at last we decided to go to Cosmo's World at Times Square. I am afraid of a lot of things, but going to the indoor theme park, my ...

bismillah. It's been a while since I came back to my college. So, last week, I took the liberty to finally go there to volunteer for my juniors' conference. I had butterflies swarming in my stomach, and I had a hard time convincing myself to go. Finally, at 12.15 pm, I got out of the house, into the car, and headed to the highway. In my mind, there was a lot of things going on, and I wasn't focusing on the road at all. I was supposed to spend the night there, cause I volunteered on the next day, too. But I didn't want to. I refused to. I couldn't. These past 4 months, I've messed myself up. It was easier before, because people won't see me. But, now that I'm going back, I don't know how to confront them. I was scared. I was scared to talk. Scared to reconnect. Scared to even do anything. That 40 minute drive, I imagined all kinds of scenarios I will put up. I'm gonna arrive at the college, pray and  then sleep. And at 3 pm, I...

bismillah. Because it's a weekend, one that started terribly, I'm just gonna lay back, and stop self-brain-damaging for all the university websites I've been visiting for the past three weeks. Well, now I know what it feels like when they said, "No Pain, No Gain". Cause after weeks of searching for a placement, I'm in a mental pain! I guess it's kinda wise to do so at the moment, seeing how ALL my other works are pending. So, now I am in idle mode. And I discovered a lot of things this weekend. And because I have no other people to listen to me talking and blabbering about my decision-making abilities, I'm writing it all out. Haha take that! My friend who is currently in his 2nd year (I think) in medicine contacted me via FB, because I've been posting stuffs, stupid stuffs about how stressed I was like I'm the only one who's having problems. Stupid me. Anyways, he was sharing words of wisdom, and was suggesting all these ot...